Dear 21st Century Dad, my son has been watching too much Ultimate Fighting Championships. My fourteen-year old boy has grown taller and heavier than me. Words and consequences always worked before. Not anymore. I can’t get him to do anything and he’s got a mouth on him we wouldn’t believe. I asked him to clean his room last week and he stuck his fist out at me. He actually scared me. What should I do? I don’t think the boy knows his own strength.
Dear Shorter and Lighter,
I can almost hear you saying, “What happened to the beautiful Johnny I used to know?” In retrospect, don’t you wish you had taken the time to read all those ‘How to be a successful parent’ articles?
And now our sweet boy muses, POWER suits me. The North American diet, his power lifting exercises, and a few discursive words may even hurry up the transition to being the Alpha male in the family. “I’ll eat steroids, practice my Grand Theft Auto dialogue in the mirror, and choose clothes that intimidate my parents. I’ll be the King and rule my fiefdom with absolute disregard for parental feelings, and distain what they’ve done for me all my life.”
Shorter and Lighter, we’ve got a tough one. Here’s the immediate solution.
1. Don’t look him straight in the eyes. Step back to regain our personal space. That’s the space we make by looking into our palms and extending our arms in front of us to make an enclosed circle.
2. Identify his aggressive behaviour. “I can tell you’re really angry.”
3. Identify how it makes us feel, think, or want to act “When I are angry like this it makes me feel really scared. I can’t get my breath. My muscles are really tightening up. I’m wanting to say something back to you that’s just as mean but I know that will only make things worse.”
4. Put our attention on the issue, not the personality. The problem is we have to explore, analyze and brainstorm solutions with the brute that forgot to wash his teeth and is leaning into our face. Remember, the worst time to engage in enlightened thought is during the heat of the battle. In a quieter time, feed him apple pie. Take him for a walk. Toss a ball. If we can skateboard and talk at the same time, do that. Talk to him in simple words and allow lots of time for him to synthesize the request. Twenty minutes maybe. Time for information to settle in.
5. At all times, maximize your safety. Carry your cell phone and your car keys. Have an unobstructed exit (that means you don’t have to walk past him to get out of the house). Park your car with the front pointing to the street.
6. If all else fails, and he threatens to hurt, or hurts you, call the police. There’s no place for violence in families. Physical violence is a no no. Tell the police, “I want my child removed.” Have prepared a sleepover site where the police can take your son. You will have previously discussed with a good neighbour, friend or relative the requirement for an emergency respite for your son. Otherwise, the police will take the boy to an overnight cell.
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Genki Sudo MMA HL
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