Dear 21st Century Dad, I’m a 38 year old stock broker. To say the least, I am wired into the 21st century. In an eight to ten hour day, I am plugged into my Blackberry, attuned to an IPOD or immobilized with a lap top on my knee. I have to admit. It’s kind of a guy thing with me. I’m ahead of a lot of kids when it comes to being a member of the Wired World, and I have to be because being interconnected is what makes my family money.
With my twelve and a half year old, it’s a different matter. She’s addicted to visual screens and audio devices. I haven’t seen her at the supper table for two weeks. We wrestle for about five minutes and then she’s off to do an XBOX game. There’s always an audio plug in her ears or her attention is preoccupied to a screen when I want to talk to her.
I have no security issues with her computer time. I have every web site block imaginable and I know all her computer contacts. I’m not worried about on line predators. My daughter can come up to her Mom or me anytime if she’s uncomfortable with anything on the computer.
The real predators are the computers and the TV’s we have in practically every room in the house. This technology consumes my kid’s life, and I’m getting to see less and less of a full on, cooperative, frontal view of her face.
How does a technofreak like myself tell a 12 year old technology addict to give it up and get a life?
Dear Techno Implant,
We need not worry if our daughter will remain computer literate if we restrict her to a limited play time on the Internet. We are heading toward a biological marriage with technology anyways. Google RFIF chips in Wikipedia and we will get an idea as to how invasive informational technology has become. She will have 24/7 access to the world wide information system, and will be accessible 24/7. It is safe to say that as a society, we will view our daughter as not only a person, but as an information component of whatever form the web morphs into.
Is there still time to ask her to explore experiences that are real time and that are not permeated by EMF radiation from the computer? That are not perceived from the stationary perspective of the seat of her pants? That cannot be modulated by a rapid hand movement on a keyboard?
We are lucky. Our kid is still trainable and we have an opportunity to deprogram her before our admonishments become an alien language. Microsoft founder Bill Gates limited his ten year old daughter to 45 minutes per night. How do we adjust the at home time frame for a 13 year old?
1. As our schools move toward the goal of a Laptop for Every Child, let us force school officials to make physical education a daily, compulsory requirement of the school curricula.
2. Withdrawing Internet privileges is somewhat akin to requesting a smoker to ditch the cigarettes or a compulsive eater to consider another glass of water. A behavioural contract may be in order. In this behavioural contract, can we emphasize positive reinforcements over negative consequences? Let us be gentle but firm in our alternative activity planning. And we must include ourselves in dealing with our household techno addiction.
3. Positive reinforcements will be most effective in outlining what programs can be watched, and what cannot and accumulative time limits for staring into monitors or talking on MSN.
4. We can reassess the locations of the hardware in our houses. If our daughter seems marooned to her bedroom, bring the computer out to the living area.
5. In a family meeting, set down family hours for at least two or three sessions per week. Whatever will we all talk about for 30 minutes? That can be a topic in itself.
6. Let us talk to the parents of our daughter’s friends and enlist them in our concerns. We can speak those magic words, “Enough is enough,” or “Turn off and tune in for a change, ” or how about, “Let’s go outside and play.”
Of course, the less technology with which our daughter has to interact, the more she will might want interact with us. We may even have to engage her more frequently in meaningful listening sessions, board games and sensory integration games, silly giggling and laughing sessions. Or baking cookies and cream puffs.
How do we entice our daughter to join us in non-techo activites? We can start by looking into our own dark cupboard of addictions. If we are trying to break our daughter’s techno addiction, first we have to start with ourselves. Be the perfect example, or at least do the best we can. How many activities during the evening are essential to complementing our daytime business requirements? Can we assess how much time and how many different forms of technology we need to enjoy our evening time away from work?
We have to be persistent in our pursuit. If we are suggesting a baking evening, it might not be until the fifth week that she finally gets bored with her boredom and requests to join the activity. Every Wednesday night, 7:30 to 9 we bake, with or without her. We can present her two options: she hangs out with herself and fumes, or she eventually joins us in the benefits. The non-participation and the “we’re so mean” accusations will slowly subside.
List a number of activities we could do with our daughter. Reflect upon the activities that could truly be enjoyable for each party. A regular Wednesday evening night out at the local entrepreneurial business networking meeting might not excite her too much.
One positive reinforcement technique that can be effective is to mix a perceived negative option (I hate baking!) with an enticing reward (These are so yummy, can I have another one?) Here’s a recipe, the smell of which wafting about the house, will be sure to entice our daughter into joining the bake team.
OUR 20th Century DAD’S CREAM PUFFS
He was the kind of guy who used to put whipped cream on top of the chocolate ice cream he had covered with a cherry glaze. We can make them fist size or golf ball size. There’s lots of arm work required, so get a baker with non whining biceps. If we can get these puffs made perfect, they will all be eaten before they are properly cooled. That’s a hint. They are so good!!!
Turn the oven on to 400 degrees.
Mix one cup of flour with
1/8th teaspoon of salt and
one tablespoon of sugar.
Boil 1/3 cup butter in one cup of water.
Drop the flour mixture into the boiled water. (Don’t get burned by splatters of boiling water.)
Stir 4 to 5 WARM eggs one at a time into the flour/water mixture. (Suspend the eggs in hot water for an hour.) Hand mix the mixture after every egg until the stuff sticks together like glue or gluey cement. We will need to have two or three people mixing. It’s tough work! The mixture is ready when we can hardly pull the spoon out.
Spoon the doe with either a teaspoon or a tablespoon onto a greased platter. It helps if we have a wet spoon. Sprinkle the puffs lightly with water.
Throw it into the oven for ten minutes, then, turn down the temp to 350 for 25 minutes. We can watch them rise. When the puffs are brown on top, they are ready.
Cut them in half with a sharp knife, and then scoop out any wet doughy doe. Fill them with whipping cream and dip them in chocolate. My mouth is watering already.
The Chocolate Dip
To about a cup of chocolate chips, add a teaspoon of milk and a teaspoon of butter. Stir it around until it’s spreadable.
The Whipping Cream
Use the real stuff. A half carton should be enough. Add a teaspoon of vanilla if we have it, and a tablespoon of sugar. Mix it in a cold bowl.
When we have whipped cream all over our face, and chocolate up to our 2nd knuckles, and our belly is moaning because we ate too many, we can thank the 20th Century Dad Cooks of the world. Up there in the skies somewhere, cracking eggs in a previous time warp.
Google:
1. In Wikipedia, search The Children’s Machine + Seymour Papert
2. Laptop for Every Child
Key into YouTube:
1. Shutdown Day 2007- Alternative Uses for your Laptop
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Question 9. Our daughter and her net safety
Dear 21st Century Dad, I’ve read that children who are most at risk to online predators share several characteristics. They are between 11 and 15, are sheltered or naïve, are willing to take risks and play at being sophisticated, and are loners who are looking for love. Even though my 13 year old daughter shares none of these characteristics (except her age), and I consider her well balanced with lots of school and friendships, I’m worried about her net safety.
Dear Right To Be On Guard,
By the age of 13, most of our children know they shouldn’t volunteer family information over the phone to strangers, or organizations. We need to set up a similar policy for computers. Children will often volunteer on line information, if they have interest in a product or service. When unscrupulous organizations sell that data to spammers, the torrent of unwanted emails can be a hassle.
Predators do not require any great degree of sophistication to discover online information about our children, just lots of time. They can plug key words into blogging sites and begin to collect a lot of information from the profiles about our children. Many sites are set to private and information is unobtainable. Others are not. In an hour’s work, we can discover a network of friends, the schools they attend, the music they listen to, their pet peeves, their turn ons, their sexual status (gay, straight, lesbian, transgender), and maybe with some luck, an email address or website contact. Notice that most blog site profiles include a treasury of photos.
If we are writing a letter to our aunt or our mother, and one of our children walks by, it is doubtful that we would attempt to make private our notes. If our children attempt to regularly change screens as we walk by, probably we need to enquire about the need for privacy. If we note that our 13 year old wants to attend the mall by herself, without even any friends to accompany her, danger flags should be popping into our consciousness.
If we are engaged parents, we will know the friends of our children and their phone numbers. The children will be in our house and their parents will often come to the door to pick up their childen. The computer offers no such tangible contact. One recent fad is to boast about the number of ‘friends’ accumulated on a blogging site. Our children may have met these bloggers personally, or they could live on another continent. If we feel like our children are vulnerable, ask our children to identify who each person (member ID) is in their on line computer address list. And that web cam? Hackers and predators can externally control web cams. With a few keyboard strokes, a perverted mind a house away or a continent away can program a few hundred computer cams and retrieve live images of our children in various stages of undress. Let’s have a discussion about the web cam, or get rid of it.
If our child is a victim to harassment by a pornography predator, we can take the hardware to a computer dearler and have them erase all information that is not pertinent to the running of the computer. In some towns and cities, our local police force may perform this function. By informing the police, we can discover the source of the harassment.
What is the most important point to remember about computer predators?
Here it is.
Our child must feel comfortable to walk up to us and say, “I got this weird email.” Or, “I think I just did something stupid. I sent a picture of myself over the net.” The true test of parenthood is to be accept our children’s mistakes, hug them, make amends, and get on with the business and joy of watching our children grow up.
Cyber predators are no joke. As 21st Century parents, we should know our way in and around computer communications.
Google:.
1. Internet Safety http://www.yesnet.yk.ca/events/isafety/index.html
2. NetSmartz.org.
3. WiredSafety Learning
4. the local police or school board
5. Our children’s name to see if they have a web site.
Key into YouTube:
1. Girl stripping and then Mom comes in. Another caution. I originally researched this site seven months ago from this blog date. Now the video has disappeared and a couple of dozen porno videos have copied the format and replaced it.
2. CVMS bullying. Myspace discussion
Dear Right To Be On Guard,
By the age of 13, most of our children know they shouldn’t volunteer family information over the phone to strangers, or organizations. We need to set up a similar policy for computers. Children will often volunteer on line information, if they have interest in a product or service. When unscrupulous organizations sell that data to spammers, the torrent of unwanted emails can be a hassle.
Predators do not require any great degree of sophistication to discover online information about our children, just lots of time. They can plug key words into blogging sites and begin to collect a lot of information from the profiles about our children. Many sites are set to private and information is unobtainable. Others are not. In an hour’s work, we can discover a network of friends, the schools they attend, the music they listen to, their pet peeves, their turn ons, their sexual status (gay, straight, lesbian, transgender), and maybe with some luck, an email address or website contact. Notice that most blog site profiles include a treasury of photos.
If we are writing a letter to our aunt or our mother, and one of our children walks by, it is doubtful that we would attempt to make private our notes. If our children attempt to regularly change screens as we walk by, probably we need to enquire about the need for privacy. If we note that our 13 year old wants to attend the mall by herself, without even any friends to accompany her, danger flags should be popping into our consciousness.
If we are engaged parents, we will know the friends of our children and their phone numbers. The children will be in our house and their parents will often come to the door to pick up their childen. The computer offers no such tangible contact. One recent fad is to boast about the number of ‘friends’ accumulated on a blogging site. Our children may have met these bloggers personally, or they could live on another continent. If we feel like our children are vulnerable, ask our children to identify who each person (member ID) is in their on line computer address list. And that web cam? Hackers and predators can externally control web cams. With a few keyboard strokes, a perverted mind a house away or a continent away can program a few hundred computer cams and retrieve live images of our children in various stages of undress. Let’s have a discussion about the web cam, or get rid of it.
If our child is a victim to harassment by a pornography predator, we can take the hardware to a computer dearler and have them erase all information that is not pertinent to the running of the computer. In some towns and cities, our local police force may perform this function. By informing the police, we can discover the source of the harassment.
What is the most important point to remember about computer predators?
Here it is.
Our child must feel comfortable to walk up to us and say, “I got this weird email.” Or, “I think I just did something stupid. I sent a picture of myself over the net.” The true test of parenthood is to be accept our children’s mistakes, hug them, make amends, and get on with the business and joy of watching our children grow up.
Cyber predators are no joke. As 21st Century parents, we should know our way in and around computer communications.
Google:.
1. Internet Safety http://www.yesnet.yk.ca/events/isafety/index.html
2. NetSmartz.org.
3. WiredSafety Learning
4. the local police or school board
5. Our children’s name to see if they have a web site.
Key into YouTube:
1. Girl stripping and then Mom comes in. Another caution. I originally researched this site seven months ago from this blog date. Now the video has disappeared and a couple of dozen porno videos have copied the format and replaced it.
2. CVMS bullying. Myspace discussion
Question 8. YouTube and our daughter
Dear 21st Century Dad, my girlfriend phoned me yesterday. She overheard her daughter telling all her friends to check out her video on YouTube. With two of her friends, fully dressed fortunately, they were dancing and lip syncing the words to a Christina Aguilera pop song. I read some of the Comments and Responses. These girls are 15 and 16. I can’t believe they would expose themselves to the world. The Comments and Responses had to be written by some very sick puppies. My daughter was one of the exhibitionists. I can’t believe she could be so stupid. She says she hasn’t done anything wrong. She says, millions of people use YouTube.
Dear Living with a YouTube Child,
Our daughter is fifteen. If we are discussing internet dangers, several organizations such as the RCMP, the BC Ministry of Education and the Canadian Library Association have posted web site information on how to protect our child. Google Safety Net@2Learn.ca - Safety Sites. Software protection for concerned parents include packages such as Cyber Sitter and Net Nanny. We can ask our local software retailers and schools for suggestions on appropriate information filters. Our concern is not internet danger to children; it is our concern with our daughter’s interaction with modern technology.
If our daughter is uploading videos to YouTube, it seems given her age and her sophistication in using computers, she already knows through programs at school, the potential dangers of the internet to children. Our daughter is a 21st century karaoke artist.
It would have been helpful if she had have prewarned us about her global pretentions to fame.
What our daughter says about YouTube is correct. Millions of people are watching and creating video segments. The difference between singing on the school stage to the parents and singing to the planet is one of numbers, and how that number alters our perceptions. Many of our children would love to be Christina Aguilera. By lip syncing Christina’s lyrics, and accompanied by our best friends for support, we can almost be her, if only until the video gets shuffled to the back of the play list.
Let’s have a conversation with her about the Comments and Responses she has garnered. Let’s discuss some of the comments that are ugly. Our conversation with her can include our own reactions, “When I read this person’s words, they make me feel...” What happens to you when you read those words?” We may learn much more about how her mind thinks. She may be unaffected by negative and hurtful commentaries, as she automatically passes over them. Let’s find out exactly what she thinks before we come to hasty conclusions.
Could the congratulatory commentaries open a doorway to discussing her strengths and what she would like to do as a young adult? Her decision to sing and dance on an international stage is exciting to her. Can it be to us as well? Could we be looking at a future entertainer? It takes great courage to stand in front of a video camera knowing that the planet is watching. We could be looking at a great opportunity to interact positively with our daughter. We could use this opportunity to enroll her in singing and dancing classes or a public speaking course. Introduce her to a musical instrument. Ask her to join the debating society at school.
Part of the learning shtick for singers is dealing with that part of the audience that can be unkind. These Comments and Responses may be a great learning vehicle for both our daughter and us.
As a zany teaching lesson, we could ask her to advise us on how to upload a video. We can tell her we want to be on YouTobe. The suggestion of that video event might encourage our daughter to inspire a different kind of thinking.
Mom and Dad on YouTube? If she is not totally disgusted, why not suggest a parent and daughter routine? Showbiz has always loved family entertainment groups. We could really jostle her infatuation with public attention with that suggestion!
Key into YouTube:
1. Christina Aguilera – Candyman
2.. Be prepared for this key-in. There are dozens of uploads that vary between a couple of teen girls dancing and having fun to porno sites. Does our daughter realize her upload may be lumped in with the porno sites?
Dear Living with a YouTube Child,
Our daughter is fifteen. If we are discussing internet dangers, several organizations such as the RCMP, the BC Ministry of Education and the Canadian Library Association have posted web site information on how to protect our child. Google Safety Net@2Learn.ca - Safety Sites. Software protection for concerned parents include packages such as Cyber Sitter and Net Nanny. We can ask our local software retailers and schools for suggestions on appropriate information filters. Our concern is not internet danger to children; it is our concern with our daughter’s interaction with modern technology.
If our daughter is uploading videos to YouTube, it seems given her age and her sophistication in using computers, she already knows through programs at school, the potential dangers of the internet to children. Our daughter is a 21st century karaoke artist.
It would have been helpful if she had have prewarned us about her global pretentions to fame.
What our daughter says about YouTube is correct. Millions of people are watching and creating video segments. The difference between singing on the school stage to the parents and singing to the planet is one of numbers, and how that number alters our perceptions. Many of our children would love to be Christina Aguilera. By lip syncing Christina’s lyrics, and accompanied by our best friends for support, we can almost be her, if only until the video gets shuffled to the back of the play list.
Let’s have a conversation with her about the Comments and Responses she has garnered. Let’s discuss some of the comments that are ugly. Our conversation with her can include our own reactions, “When I read this person’s words, they make me feel...” What happens to you when you read those words?” We may learn much more about how her mind thinks. She may be unaffected by negative and hurtful commentaries, as she automatically passes over them. Let’s find out exactly what she thinks before we come to hasty conclusions.
Could the congratulatory commentaries open a doorway to discussing her strengths and what she would like to do as a young adult? Her decision to sing and dance on an international stage is exciting to her. Can it be to us as well? Could we be looking at a future entertainer? It takes great courage to stand in front of a video camera knowing that the planet is watching. We could be looking at a great opportunity to interact positively with our daughter. We could use this opportunity to enroll her in singing and dancing classes or a public speaking course. Introduce her to a musical instrument. Ask her to join the debating society at school.
Part of the learning shtick for singers is dealing with that part of the audience that can be unkind. These Comments and Responses may be a great learning vehicle for both our daughter and us.
As a zany teaching lesson, we could ask her to advise us on how to upload a video. We can tell her we want to be on YouTobe. The suggestion of that video event might encourage our daughter to inspire a different kind of thinking.
Mom and Dad on YouTube? If she is not totally disgusted, why not suggest a parent and daughter routine? Showbiz has always loved family entertainment groups. We could really jostle her infatuation with public attention with that suggestion!
Key into YouTube:
1. Christina Aguilera – Candyman
2.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Question 7. Multi-tasking and Homework and MSN
Dear 21st Century Dad, my fifteen-year old daughter is on MSN all night. I have no idea how she can talk on the telephone, use the keyboard, and do her homework at the same time. Her grades are suffering. We are having shouting matches over the computer.
Dear 20th Century Parent,
Are we talking about multi distractions or multi tasking? Wasting time or collaborative learning? Are our daughter’s grades suffering because she is mixing MSN with homework, or are there other extenuating circumstances like her involvement with the other gender? Has she decided to trade a low academic self-esteem for the benefits of being a social butterfly? In the subjects our daughter is failing, are the teachers any good? Is she spending two or six hours a night on MSN?
Maybe it’s time to be a 21st Century Parent. Make contact with a group of her peers; ask them about their use of computers, about homework and MSM. The asking of questions and the solicitation of answers can be more productive than shouting matches. Safety of kids on line must be the premium issue here. Be prepared. Check out Web Aware below before you talk to the kids.
We can get a last laugh at this one. Imagine our daughter as a mother yelling at her daughter to finish her homework, or she’ll spread a virus that will upload a million math questions into her wrist implant. Of course to no avail. Her friends will have readied the anti-virus for indignant parents.
Google:
1. Be Web Aware - Home and 2. key into YouTube Homework coping skills
Dear 20th Century Parent,
Are we talking about multi distractions or multi tasking? Wasting time or collaborative learning? Are our daughter’s grades suffering because she is mixing MSN with homework, or are there other extenuating circumstances like her involvement with the other gender? Has she decided to trade a low academic self-esteem for the benefits of being a social butterfly? In the subjects our daughter is failing, are the teachers any good? Is she spending two or six hours a night on MSN?
Maybe it’s time to be a 21st Century Parent. Make contact with a group of her peers; ask them about their use of computers, about homework and MSM. The asking of questions and the solicitation of answers can be more productive than shouting matches. Safety of kids on line must be the premium issue here. Be prepared. Check out Web Aware below before you talk to the kids.
We can get a last laugh at this one. Imagine our daughter as a mother yelling at her daughter to finish her homework, or she’ll spread a virus that will upload a million math questions into her wrist implant. Of course to no avail. Her friends will have readied the anti-virus for indignant parents.
Google:
1. Be Web Aware - Home and 2. key into YouTube Homework coping skills
Monday, September 15, 2008
Question 6. Disrespect
Dear 21st Century Dad, when I came to Canada, my wife and I divorced because she was drinking too much. She moved in with a boyfriend and I took on the responsibility of raising two boys from the ages of fourteen and seventeen.
When I first disciplined them, I slapped them like my father did for me, and his father did for him, for generations of families. I wanted to teach them respect. Social workers appeared at my door and told me I couldn’t do that. They never told me how to discipline them. They got pretty wild until they started families of their own.
I have one grandchild from each son now. Both grandkids, 11 and 17, have problems with bad friends and fights with teachers at their schools. I hear my grandchildren talk about their teachers. They say they will call the police if the teacher touches them. The teacher will lose a job. They say the same thing to their fathers. They will call the police. Imagine!
It seems to me maybe slapping is not such a good idea, at least not on the head. But the opposite is that children have no respect for parents, teachers, family or old people. I hear horrible things they say about girls, even though I know I know the younger one doesn’t even understand what he says.
For my grandchildren’s sake, I want to know how we teach respect to children.
Dear Wise Elder,
Our grandchildren are like tea pots. If we pour in violent pictures, cocky sport stars, bad ass music and musicians, news reports of death, dying and destruction from the capitals of despair, words of powerful people that preach greed and grief, toughened expressions of sexuality, and continue to elevate profit at the expense of the health of the earth and its citizens, our kids will pour out a witches brew.
Young and old, we are all creators and captive addicts to this excess.
Wise elders have a responsibility to give back their memories to the world. We can counsel our grandchildren and our community’s children and let them know the difference between compassion and meanness, between right and wrong, between the joys of opportunity and the desperation of failure. We can let them know we feel the beat of their pulse in our wrists and the sound of their voices in our ears. With intentions rooted in our heart, we can hug them, brush the dirt of their elbows and offer them a smile and an encouraging gesture.
Simply, we can be there for our community’s children. We can spend time with them. We can teach them skills we have learned and show them why skills are so important to acquire. We can take them out to eat, offer them treats and have fun. Grandparents can be mentors who inspire, guide and support our young ones.
The energy of a waterfall will always attract a child to swim in its waters. Google:
1. It Takes a Village to Raise a Child +Hillary Clinton
Key into YouTube:
1. Impact of ageing population in Europe and Russia
Question 5. Demanding hockey dad
Dear 21st Century Dad, my almost 15 year old son could be a high second round pick Bantam. He is capable of impacting hockey games with his physical play and rushing the puck with his skating. He’s a budding 180 pound Michael Peca, and opposing skaters know they need to keep their heads up when he’s on the ice. He has an excellent shot. Trouble is his plus minus has fallen through the roof, and his coach has him sitting on the bench. This boy, who could be setting himself up to an NHL career, doesn’t quite get it. He’s a gifted athlete who is not willing to work out of his slump. Every time I go to ask him about his game, he erupts. How I can penetrate his thick head?
His mom and I have invested what may feel like at least a quarter of a lifetime into early morning rink practice, a pile of money that we’ve spent on equipment and transportation, and a few emotional roller coasters. And all for what?
Dear Hockeyhockeyhockeyhockeyhockeyhockeydad,
Organized sport for our children offers many benefits to parents. It is a vehicle in which we can create a cohesive bond with our children. We know where are kids are. We know they can be acquiring valuable life skills. We can learn the personalities of our child’s friends through observing their interactions on the playing field.
We can also share in our boy’s glory. His or her success can boost our own sense of accomplishment and esteem. That’s where problems can arise.
Our boy is fifteen and is well along the path to become a professional hockey player. In all this time, have we had a conversation about whether the game benefits him, or the whole organizational apparatus that exists to extend his hockey participation? That includes our expectations about his abilities. Organized sport can elevate the importance of the organization over the value and needs of the individual.
He is having troubles. Let’s imagine the self esteem of a first or second line player whose backside now warms the bench. Our boy has lost the attention of his coach. What could be more destructive than parental harassment?
Everybody experiences low points, but most of us do not have to suffer public humiliation. Our boy is fifteen! The heavy blanket of criticism hasn’t helped him put pucks in the net or improve his plus/minus. Let’s change our strategy.
As in every parent/teen crisis, we start by looking at our own stress levels. Has the intensity of the experience drawn blinkers over our perspective? If we encourage ourselves to do some de-stressing activities, we lower our receptivity to triggers that our son’s difficulties and his attitudes cue. It’s always easier to have a conversation when we are relaxed, and easier to explode when we are wired with resentment, anger and disappointment.
Let’s own up to our expectations. Then he will be more receptive to giving us permission to talk to his teachers, his guidance counselor at school, his coach, his girlfriend, and his close friends. Let them fill us with their perspective on the make up of our boy. We will get impressions that will provide us with a more complete picture of what is happening in his life. In the past six months, has he developed different aspirations than those we wish he would accomplish?
After learning this background information, offer him some space. His bench warming may be an opportunity in the making. Can he use the experience to clarify his expectations? He may want to do other activities in his youth. He may be reacting against the constant pressure of being successful. He may be…he may be…he may be? Can he vocalize his aspirations? As a fifteen year old, numerous options are open to him. And to us.
We want him to be comfortable with his self designed decisions about his participation in hockey. Parental directives may result in rebellion, anxieties, apathy and other negative dysfunctional activities. However our son manifests his future, our unqualified support will ensure his success will not be marbled by neurosis.
Google:
1. PDF] Massachusetts Hockey +parents +Code
2. Code of Ethics and Good Practice for Children's Sport in Ireland
Key into Youtube:
1. Don Lucia Speech
His mom and I have invested what may feel like at least a quarter of a lifetime into early morning rink practice, a pile of money that we’ve spent on equipment and transportation, and a few emotional roller coasters. And all for what?
Dear Hockeyhockeyhockeyhockeyhockeyhockeydad,
Organized sport for our children offers many benefits to parents. It is a vehicle in which we can create a cohesive bond with our children. We know where are kids are. We know they can be acquiring valuable life skills. We can learn the personalities of our child’s friends through observing their interactions on the playing field.
We can also share in our boy’s glory. His or her success can boost our own sense of accomplishment and esteem. That’s where problems can arise.
Our boy is fifteen and is well along the path to become a professional hockey player. In all this time, have we had a conversation about whether the game benefits him, or the whole organizational apparatus that exists to extend his hockey participation? That includes our expectations about his abilities. Organized sport can elevate the importance of the organization over the value and needs of the individual.
He is having troubles. Let’s imagine the self esteem of a first or second line player whose backside now warms the bench. Our boy has lost the attention of his coach. What could be more destructive than parental harassment?
Everybody experiences low points, but most of us do not have to suffer public humiliation. Our boy is fifteen! The heavy blanket of criticism hasn’t helped him put pucks in the net or improve his plus/minus. Let’s change our strategy.
As in every parent/teen crisis, we start by looking at our own stress levels. Has the intensity of the experience drawn blinkers over our perspective? If we encourage ourselves to do some de-stressing activities, we lower our receptivity to triggers that our son’s difficulties and his attitudes cue. It’s always easier to have a conversation when we are relaxed, and easier to explode when we are wired with resentment, anger and disappointment.
Let’s own up to our expectations. Then he will be more receptive to giving us permission to talk to his teachers, his guidance counselor at school, his coach, his girlfriend, and his close friends. Let them fill us with their perspective on the make up of our boy. We will get impressions that will provide us with a more complete picture of what is happening in his life. In the past six months, has he developed different aspirations than those we wish he would accomplish?
After learning this background information, offer him some space. His bench warming may be an opportunity in the making. Can he use the experience to clarify his expectations? He may want to do other activities in his youth. He may be reacting against the constant pressure of being successful. He may be…he may be…he may be? Can he vocalize his aspirations? As a fifteen year old, numerous options are open to him. And to us.
We want him to be comfortable with his self designed decisions about his participation in hockey. Parental directives may result in rebellion, anxieties, apathy and other negative dysfunctional activities. However our son manifests his future, our unqualified support will ensure his success will not be marbled by neurosis.
Google:
1. PDF] Massachusetts Hockey +parents +Code
2. Code of Ethics and Good Practice for Children's Sport in Ireland
Key into Youtube:
1. Don Lucia Speech
Question 4. Single dad has a first new date and daughter objects
Dear 21st Century Dad, am I ticked! It’s been four years since I’ve been out with a woman. On our first evening together, the sleepover my thirteen-year old daughter arranged fell through. My new friend and I were drinking wine and listening to music. We finished three quarters of the bottle between us over a four hour period. I would not call that heavy drinking. Every time my daughter came into the living room, she turned the walls into ice. Talk about unpleasant. After my date left, my daughter accused me of getting drunk. And because I was drinking, she threatened to get really blasted on the weekend. If I could do it, she could do it. I don’t know whether I should ask we what to do with my daughter or what I should say to my new date about my daughter.
Dear Oppressed Lonely Heart,
Can there be anything worse than a sour faced cupid-dating consultant?
Start inviting every female of every age we know for dinner. This girl needs some senior women in her life. Get our new girlfriend to help. Re-invite her for dinner and tell her to bring along two or three of her girlfriends. Tell our daughter to invite a girlfriend. Include wine on the menu. A judicious use of wine during an entertaining evening can set a great example for young people experimenting with alcohol. Or choose many of the excellent non-alcoholic drinks in the retail stores. If the new girlfriend is not interested in helping, maybe our daughter has better intuition than we do.
Be more concerned about her relationship with alcohol. Her threat indicates she has some prior experience with alcohol of which we are unaware. At thirteen, she’s too young to have already been blasted. We need to reassess our drinking habits. Consuming alcohol at home at least keeps your kids in sight. If your child is drinking at another friend’s house with or without their permission, beware. Have a talk with those parents and find out what is going on with their life and their teen’s.
To expand our range of potentials, experiment with one of dozens of dating services. Be courageous and have fun. There are thousands of dating sites. But first, better we read about the implications of too much booze first. Then, Google the dating services.
1. Alcohol: One of The Most Abused Drugs in Canada
2. eHarmony
3. Single parents dating, find single moms and single dads for dating
Dear Oppressed Lonely Heart,
Can there be anything worse than a sour faced cupid-dating consultant?
Start inviting every female of every age we know for dinner. This girl needs some senior women in her life. Get our new girlfriend to help. Re-invite her for dinner and tell her to bring along two or three of her girlfriends. Tell our daughter to invite a girlfriend. Include wine on the menu. A judicious use of wine during an entertaining evening can set a great example for young people experimenting with alcohol. Or choose many of the excellent non-alcoholic drinks in the retail stores. If the new girlfriend is not interested in helping, maybe our daughter has better intuition than we do.
Be more concerned about her relationship with alcohol. Her threat indicates she has some prior experience with alcohol of which we are unaware. At thirteen, she’s too young to have already been blasted. We need to reassess our drinking habits. Consuming alcohol at home at least keeps your kids in sight. If your child is drinking at another friend’s house with or without their permission, beware. Have a talk with those parents and find out what is going on with their life and their teen’s.
To expand our range of potentials, experiment with one of dozens of dating services. Be courageous and have fun. There are thousands of dating sites. But first, better we read about the implications of too much booze first. Then, Google the dating services.
1. Alcohol: One of The Most Abused Drugs in Canada
2. eHarmony
3. Single parents dating, find single moms and single dads for dating
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Question 3. I'm uncomfortable with my 13 year old daughter's sexuality
Dear 21st Century Dad, I’m a single dad. My thirteen-year old daughter is a real looker. I have the impression she doesn’t even realize it, but I’m not sure. Even in winter clothing, she’s a physical knockout. I’m like the TV dad who sees every male aged fourteen to fifty as a predator. And with good reason, I look in the eyes of some of these guys and they don’t even care she’s holding my hand as we walk into the grocery store. I’m not looking forward to summertime. What should I do?
Dear Mountain Shepherd,
Sounds like we are uncomfortable with the sexuality of our times, and maybe even our own! There are so many good-looking girls and boys out there. By nature, youth is beautiful, healthy and vibrant. Support her in her growth toward adulthood. Rather than feeling paranoia, do the dad stuff. Play sports with her. Play Checkers, chess and Scrabble with her. Be the host in the background for her girl parties.
It maybe worthwhile to look at the music videos she watches. These video stars are always mentors, and sometimes near fatal attractions. Ask her if we can sit in on some music video programs. Learn about her preferences for style of music. Female? Hip/hop? Pop? Country? Have a conversation. Talk about the way the men treat the women, and the way the women treat the men. Talk about the extreme sexual gestures like the hands over the crotch, the thrust forward bosoms and the gyrating pelvises. What kind of music do they play at the school dances?
Be careful. Antagonism toward Elvis Presley made him a big star. Antagonism never works. Humour deflates sexuality unless it’s wrapped in an animal house tourniquet.
There are those who say that our bodies are the temples of God. Encourage our daughter to be physically expressive and to be knowledgeable about the intentions of her physical expression.
Key into YouTube:
1. ScreamFree Parenting:Raising Girls
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)