Dear 21st Century Dad, twelve years ago my sister died and I adopted her beautiful five year old. As a thirteen year old, she began to get in trouble at school, changed her set of friends for a rougher crowd, and got caught for shoplifting. She gained a lot of weight and developed a real self esteem problem. My father suffered with depression so I know it has been in and around our family history for longer than I know.
Our family is very resourceful. We found a compassionate doctor whom our daughter thought was really cool. An older cousin stepped in as a miraculous mentor. We got her over the hump. There have been a couple of times she relapsed. Both times she was not doing her medication, but she started the meds again.
Then, last week the school called about three missed time blocks at school. On an intuition, I looked through her bedroom and discovered a suicide note.
We have had huge issues over privacy. The last time, she ended up shoplifting and staying out of the house for three days. What am I to do?
Dear Heart in a Vice Grip,
There is no lesson to be learned by the person who commits suicide. It’s all over. We have to protect her.
Depression imposes a mental shroud on its victim so dense, narrow and black that its victims can be self destructive. Making the situation worse by confronting our daughter with inflammatory and incriminatory evidence that is also an invasion of her privacy may push her over her limit of tolerance.
Sometimes, it’s better we don’t grab the bull by its horns.
What has worked for us before can work again. Call in the family protectors. Call in the family nurturers. Inform her teachers. Bring in her doctor again. Immediate treatment can lessen the severity and the duration of the depression. (She may need an adjustment in the pharmaceutical dosage). We need to listen with our whole attention as though we have listened to her before.
Have we fully accessed all the programs for youth that may help us deal with our daughter’s ill health?
In our town (Courtenay, BC) an innovative Girls Empowerment Project exists to provide support for adolescent girls. The three part program helps them to navigate their way through the pressures of social, emotional and physical changes. The program does more than just provide talk support. The girls can increase their social skills and their self esteem by graduating out of a Peer Facilitation Training program with the goal being to facilitate their own groups. The most interesting part of the program is the Community Activism and Legacy Project. The girls document the unique perspective of their world with cameras.
Another program, Youth And Ecological Restoration, takes children out into nature to restore the environmental health of local watersheds. The children are often waist deep in rivers counting fish or planting trees in deforested riversides. The culmination of the project requires the child to give a speech to members of the watershed restoration group. The speech is a profile builder that boosts the child’s self esteem. All that and they get to enjoy nature!
These programs and their like recognize that the power of creativity fosters a tremendous energy that can transform the negative into the positive. Robert Thurman writes in “Infinite Life: Seven Virtues For Living Well”, that heroic creativity can overcome self loathing and fulfill our obligation to improve the life of other troubled beings. Planting a tree grants tremendous powers to the holder of the shovel. A camera in a child’s hands collapses the walls of despair.
Yes, even though medical needs supercede privacy issues, we can still step lightly. A positive step would be to support and encourage our daughter to pursue a path of creativity. Treatment implies dysfunction and limitation. Creativity corrals all the madcap potentials that life offers opens gates to mind worlds never before perceived.
*The Queen Alexandra Foundation For Children (Victoria, B.C.) provides partial financial support for both services.
Google:
1.The Crisis Intervention and Suicide Prevention Centre of British ...
2.Crisis Center + (your town or city)>
3.Teaching Multicultural Literature . Workshop 1 . Teaching ...
4.Queen Alexandra Foundation For Children (Victoria, B.C.)
Key into YouTube:
1.UNICEF: Peer counseling programme in Malaysia mentors...
2.Peer Counselor Video 2
3.Peer Counseling Commercials
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Question 19. The subtleties of abuse
Dear 21st Century Dad, I have been a single mother until a year ago. My 15 year old son and his step father cannot be in the same room together before the shouting starts. I feel I am stretched between two poles that are moving further and further apart. I love them both but their arguing is driving me crazy. I thought about getting outside help but my husband said we could avoid the embarrassment by handling it ourselves.
My husband obsesses over organization and tidiness. He gets angry if the tube of toothpaste is lumpy and misshapen. Once a week he checks the boy’s bedroom for tidiness. There is always a dispute about how the bed corners get tucked in. The spoons and knives have to be put back into their proper slot. There are battles over homework. We have had to limit visits by his friends to the house because they are simply too noisy. And worse, a lot of activities that John wants to do with his friends, we would call risky behaviour. So we don’t let him go. It’s so tense around the house after supper, emotions spontaneously erupt.
I know my husband goes overboard a bit. I just think if John had more respect for his new father, paid attention to the rules and accepted his household responsibilities without so much hassle, life would be a lot easier in the house. I’m afraid our son’s behaviour is going to get worse before it gets better. How do I get John to listen to his dad?
Dear Caught in the Middle,
Our household feels like it is under assault. The preoccupation with blame, the focus on performance, the name calling that make it virtually impossible to achieve the goals we want for our son. We have to own up to the fact that we are emotionally abusing our son.
We might be saying, “Whoa, just a minute I don’t abuse anyone.” To help us understand the different aspects of abuse, consult The Child, Family and Community Service Act 2002 Appendix 1 Section 1 CFCSA (2) which states a child needs protection when an emotionally harmed child demonstrates severe (a) anxiety, (b) depression, (c) withdrawal, or (d) self-destructive or aggressive behaviour.
Emotional abuse has a profound and negative effect upon the brain. Our boy will experience less pleasure, will be less likely to seek connection with other people and will probably be more aggressive. His experience of always having to defend himself will decrease his ability to calm himself when he gets agitated. Worse, it will be really hard for him to attend and focus. His thinking will be mucky. He won’t be able to do anything right, and then he will have to suffer further indignation by being shamed for his errors.
How can we promote a sense of calm? How can we create a structure that is more relaxed and informal? How can we develop a consistent expectation of behaviour that is predictable but not harmful? How can we promote a more collaborative conversation about teenage social requirements and parental worries? How can we encourage our boy to satisfy some household requirements without crushing his self esteem?
The learning curve we require in our house is steep. Our new step dad wants to impose a set of guidelines he learned from his father that may be twenty to forty years out of date, and are frankly abusive. Our son has discovered he has had no choice but to submit to a set of rules and regulations he knows are harsh and recriminatory. He is a prisoner in his own house.
First and foremost, we need to make ready a safe place for our son to live. Second, we need to recognize the solution is more protracted. The roots of this disharmony run deeper than that which can be immediately solved by family meetings and behavioural contracts. We need professional help.
Google:
1. BC + The Child, Family and Community Service Act to get a detailed description of the many forms of abuse and neglect.
My husband obsesses over organization and tidiness. He gets angry if the tube of toothpaste is lumpy and misshapen. Once a week he checks the boy’s bedroom for tidiness. There is always a dispute about how the bed corners get tucked in. The spoons and knives have to be put back into their proper slot. There are battles over homework. We have had to limit visits by his friends to the house because they are simply too noisy. And worse, a lot of activities that John wants to do with his friends, we would call risky behaviour. So we don’t let him go. It’s so tense around the house after supper, emotions spontaneously erupt.
I know my husband goes overboard a bit. I just think if John had more respect for his new father, paid attention to the rules and accepted his household responsibilities without so much hassle, life would be a lot easier in the house. I’m afraid our son’s behaviour is going to get worse before it gets better. How do I get John to listen to his dad?
Dear Caught in the Middle,
Our household feels like it is under assault. The preoccupation with blame, the focus on performance, the name calling that make it virtually impossible to achieve the goals we want for our son. We have to own up to the fact that we are emotionally abusing our son.
We might be saying, “Whoa, just a minute I don’t abuse anyone.” To help us understand the different aspects of abuse, consult The Child, Family and Community Service Act 2002 Appendix 1 Section 1 CFCSA (2) which states a child needs protection when an emotionally harmed child demonstrates severe (a) anxiety, (b) depression, (c) withdrawal, or (d) self-destructive or aggressive behaviour.
Emotional abuse has a profound and negative effect upon the brain. Our boy will experience less pleasure, will be less likely to seek connection with other people and will probably be more aggressive. His experience of always having to defend himself will decrease his ability to calm himself when he gets agitated. Worse, it will be really hard for him to attend and focus. His thinking will be mucky. He won’t be able to do anything right, and then he will have to suffer further indignation by being shamed for his errors.
How can we promote a sense of calm? How can we create a structure that is more relaxed and informal? How can we develop a consistent expectation of behaviour that is predictable but not harmful? How can we promote a more collaborative conversation about teenage social requirements and parental worries? How can we encourage our boy to satisfy some household requirements without crushing his self esteem?
The learning curve we require in our house is steep. Our new step dad wants to impose a set of guidelines he learned from his father that may be twenty to forty years out of date, and are frankly abusive. Our son has discovered he has had no choice but to submit to a set of rules and regulations he knows are harsh and recriminatory. He is a prisoner in his own house.
First and foremost, we need to make ready a safe place for our son to live. Second, we need to recognize the solution is more protracted. The roots of this disharmony run deeper than that which can be immediately solved by family meetings and behavioural contracts. We need professional help.
Google:
1. BC + The Child, Family and Community Service Act to get a detailed description of the many forms of abuse and neglect.
Question 18. ~ How Did I Get The Bill?
Dear 21st Century Dad, the police arrested my seventeen-year old son for shoplifting. The arresting officer took note that my son didn’t have any previous encounters with the law so he referred his case to Community Justice for a resolution agreement between the retailer and my son. My son completed some community hours at a local charity. He wrote the retailer an apology letter. He repaid the money he stole. I believed my son when he said he would never do it again. He understood that a criminal record would have prevented him from traveling to the States for the next five years. Thank goodness he was able to complete the resolution. My problem is that the retailer sent me a bill for $350 for the costs of replacing the stolen item (a stick of deodorant!), store security and other administration fees. If my family has to pay it, who should do it, my son or myself?
Dear Twice Billed,
The parental liability laws are controversial. Their introduction has meant to place responsibility and consequences of children’s misbehaviour upon the parenting family. Essentially the law tells parents to raise their family correctly! Be good parents or suffer the consequences. Critics say parental liability laws bias low income families. Poverty, education, health and crime issues make successful parenting impossible.
Victim advocates ask why shouldn’t the victim have a method of redress for his losses. The judicial system addresses the crime against society, not the wrongs of the victim.
If the administration bill sent by the retailer is not repaid, the store will attempt to recoup its losses in a civil suit. Our local Restorative Justice Centre does not include the $350 cost as an item to be resolved in their resolution conference; it considers the bill to be a civil issue, not a criminal one.
The $350 remains a cost to be negotiated between you and the retail company. The parental liability laws state a negligent parent can be responsible for costs up to $10,000 incurred by their children between the ages of 10 and 18. Negligence can be difficult to prove. Did you tell your child to go and shoplift? Probably not!
Let’s allow our son to learn both the criminal and civil consequences of his actions. He has settled the criminal aspect of his theft admirably in a restorative justice setting. Now let him resolve the civil consequences.
You have to protect the credit record. If you pay it, negotiate with him various methods of repayment: chores, getting a joy; reduction in allowance.
Google:
1.Community Justice Centre
2.RESTORATIVE JUSTICE: A NATIONAL CONSULTATION - A Consultation Paper
3.Canadian Money Advisor: News Archives: Retail Theft Could
Get You
Key into YouTube:
1.10000 st shoplifter SUBBED!
Dear Twice Billed,
The parental liability laws are controversial. Their introduction has meant to place responsibility and consequences of children’s misbehaviour upon the parenting family. Essentially the law tells parents to raise their family correctly! Be good parents or suffer the consequences. Critics say parental liability laws bias low income families. Poverty, education, health and crime issues make successful parenting impossible.
Victim advocates ask why shouldn’t the victim have a method of redress for his losses. The judicial system addresses the crime against society, not the wrongs of the victim.
If the administration bill sent by the retailer is not repaid, the store will attempt to recoup its losses in a civil suit. Our local Restorative Justice Centre does not include the $350 cost as an item to be resolved in their resolution conference; it considers the bill to be a civil issue, not a criminal one.
The $350 remains a cost to be negotiated between you and the retail company. The parental liability laws state a negligent parent can be responsible for costs up to $10,000 incurred by their children between the ages of 10 and 18. Negligence can be difficult to prove. Did you tell your child to go and shoplift? Probably not!
Let’s allow our son to learn both the criminal and civil consequences of his actions. He has settled the criminal aspect of his theft admirably in a restorative justice setting. Now let him resolve the civil consequences.
You have to protect the credit record. If you pay it, negotiate with him various methods of repayment: chores, getting a joy; reduction in allowance.
Google:
1.Community Justice Centre
2.RESTORATIVE JUSTICE: A NATIONAL CONSULTATION - A Consultation Paper
3.Canadian Money Advisor: News Archives: Retail Theft Could
Get You
Key into YouTube:
1.10000 st shoplifter SUBBED!
Question 17. false allegations
Dear 21st Century Dad, both my 16 year old son and 14 year old daughter play music. My son went into her room to get some sheet music that was his, not hers. He saw it lying on her bed and needed it for his music lesson. She said he saw her changing and she claims he made an inappropriate commentary about her privates. These two are always fighting, and frankly, I can’t imagine he said what she claimed. I think my daughter set the whole thing up because she wants to move to her mother’s house, about an hour’s drive from here. She called in Family Services. I found out my daughter’s statement was an out and out lie. On top of that, my son was applying for a camp counselor’s position and somehow they got wind of her accusation. My daughter has a history of lying. What a mess. Any suggestions?
Dear Crying Wolf,
Our daughter’s desperation should not support a strategy that condones harm to other people. If she achieves her goal through fraudulent methods, she may revert to these methods every time she finds herself in crisis. If it is feasible that our daughter moves into her mother’s house, (she can choose after the legal age of 12), we must dissociate her method of action with achieving her goal. We cannot reward inappropriate action.
Lying is a serious issue. We want to reinforce the effect a family gathering may have by inviting an extra member or two to our table. Lying affects more than one victim. We suggest requesting her mother and perhaps a child advocate, a mediator or an expert knowledgeable in separated families attend. It would be useful to have an adult who could support our daughter. We don’t want an ‘us against her’ atmosphere.
The language and procedure that many restorative justice sessions can be helpful. We name the victim, the complainant and the perpetrator, the respondent. We assemble to educate our daughter, not to make her suffer a punitive outcome. Before the group sits, our daughter acknowledges her false accusation. Then to the people at the table, she recites what happened during the incident. Our son, the complainant, recalls the event in his own words. Then, he tells his sister how he has been hurt. Others would tell how the event affects them. (Mother is disappointed; Dad no longer trusts; son loses an interview; Child Protection wastes many hours of work). Our daughter listens and does not interrupt. She can explain her motivations. The table will urge her to offer some recompense such as honest remorse, an apology, and ask her how she can restore her family’s trust in her.
We will sometimes lie to protect ourselves or to avoid difficult consequences. Restorative justice sessions are effective in producing resolutions because we can hear the motivations for people’s actions. The behaviour may obscure an involvement with drugs or perhaps may occur in an ADHD child overloaded with stress.
Our family needs to heal. Teen lying that involves calling in outside authorities like Family Protection indicates a severe family disharmony. We all lie at one time or another. Clear ground rules that establish rules of behaviour, parental support of our children in their acceptance of the consequences, the discovery of why’s of lying and a safe loving household will go a long way to develop a moral family culture. Compulsive lying without the show of remorse indicates the need for some expert help.
Our daughter may lie; she is not the lie itself. Let’s separate her from her dysfunctional impulses. Instead of an accusation like “Do you see how you have screwed up?”, we can say, “I know this situation must have put you into some difficulty. What can we do better to achieve what you want to get without hurting others?” Lead her into conversations with questions. We need information. Her life may be more difficult than we realize. Her resorting to lies may indicate a requirement for more attention, or is a coping mechanism.
Lying corrodes family harmony. Worse, it deflates personal self worth and value. We know every accomplishment achieved through lying has a taint, and we live in constant anxiety. Who needs that? The best we can do for our children is to encourage them with our support to face up to the truth.
Google:
1. Scientific American Mind: Natural-Born Liars
Key into YouTube:
1. Don't Lie - Black eyed peas + le clip
Dear Crying Wolf,
Our daughter’s desperation should not support a strategy that condones harm to other people. If she achieves her goal through fraudulent methods, she may revert to these methods every time she finds herself in crisis. If it is feasible that our daughter moves into her mother’s house, (she can choose after the legal age of 12), we must dissociate her method of action with achieving her goal. We cannot reward inappropriate action.
Lying is a serious issue. We want to reinforce the effect a family gathering may have by inviting an extra member or two to our table. Lying affects more than one victim. We suggest requesting her mother and perhaps a child advocate, a mediator or an expert knowledgeable in separated families attend. It would be useful to have an adult who could support our daughter. We don’t want an ‘us against her’ atmosphere.
The language and procedure that many restorative justice sessions can be helpful. We name the victim, the complainant and the perpetrator, the respondent. We assemble to educate our daughter, not to make her suffer a punitive outcome. Before the group sits, our daughter acknowledges her false accusation. Then to the people at the table, she recites what happened during the incident. Our son, the complainant, recalls the event in his own words. Then, he tells his sister how he has been hurt. Others would tell how the event affects them. (Mother is disappointed; Dad no longer trusts; son loses an interview; Child Protection wastes many hours of work). Our daughter listens and does not interrupt. She can explain her motivations. The table will urge her to offer some recompense such as honest remorse, an apology, and ask her how she can restore her family’s trust in her.
We will sometimes lie to protect ourselves or to avoid difficult consequences. Restorative justice sessions are effective in producing resolutions because we can hear the motivations for people’s actions. The behaviour may obscure an involvement with drugs or perhaps may occur in an ADHD child overloaded with stress.
Our family needs to heal. Teen lying that involves calling in outside authorities like Family Protection indicates a severe family disharmony. We all lie at one time or another. Clear ground rules that establish rules of behaviour, parental support of our children in their acceptance of the consequences, the discovery of why’s of lying and a safe loving household will go a long way to develop a moral family culture. Compulsive lying without the show of remorse indicates the need for some expert help.
Our daughter may lie; she is not the lie itself. Let’s separate her from her dysfunctional impulses. Instead of an accusation like “Do you see how you have screwed up?”, we can say, “I know this situation must have put you into some difficulty. What can we do better to achieve what you want to get without hurting others?” Lead her into conversations with questions. We need information. Her life may be more difficult than we realize. Her resorting to lies may indicate a requirement for more attention, or is a coping mechanism.
Lying corrodes family harmony. Worse, it deflates personal self worth and value. We know every accomplishment achieved through lying has a taint, and we live in constant anxiety. Who needs that? The best we can do for our children is to encourage them with our support to face up to the truth.
Google:
1. Scientific American Mind: Natural-Born Liars
Key into YouTube:
1. Don't Lie - Black eyed peas + le clip
Question 16. How can anger not get ahold of us?
Dear 21st Century Dad, my seventeen-year old daughter has my husband’s physical makeup. She is a couple of inches taller than me and twenty pounds heavier. We are getting into verbal fights. We both don’t like to do it but we are shouting before we recognize that we are angry at each other. She’s scary, and I guess, although I am sorry for it, I’m scary to her. Is there a method to preventing shouting at each other?
Dear Smart To Be Concerned,
Now that we have noticed that our emotions flash to consciousness more quickly than our physical actions or our thinking, we can share the knowledge that most everyone else, save for a few monks and martial artists, are in the same boat. Everybody lets anger get the better of him or her from one time to another.
Notice a choice to get angry usually presents itself. Warning signs that we call Red Alerts can start with physical body: the clenching of the fists, the tightening of the jaw, the arrhythmic breathing pattern, the red face, the loud voice, and the sense of impending anxiety. The mental Red Alerts are an inability to order our thoughts in sequence, the inability to speak with ease or coherence (more than is usual!) and nasty thoughts. The solution can be another time out experience, and like the other time out, repeated practice strengthens the effect of the exercise.
This is a good practice to do before we go to sleep. We can do it in bed, but if we end up falling asleep before we have finished the practice, do it seated with the spine straight. Over a 20 minute period, recall all the events of the day from the moment we wake up to the moment we go to bed. Initially, we will either have difficulty keeping the events of the day restricted to the 20 minute period, or we will spend too much time on one segment and we will not be able to finish.
Let us give attention to the gaps in the day that we forget. Let us give particular attention to highly emotional events in the day. We can recall them in as much detail as possible. At whom did we get angry? What did the room look like? What were we wearing? What was the look on our face? What was our posture? Was there a smell that accompanied the angry moment? Was there a radio or the television playing? Who else was in the room? Were they contributing to the angry discussion? What words, expressions, epithets, swear words did I use? Visualize the moment as completely as possible. Observe the event from as many angles: pretend we are a cameraperson choosing close up, overhead and panoramic angles that present the angry event in as many different ways as possible.
In this repeated method of recalling and examining our actions, we will slowly gain an understanding of the chronology of Red Alerts that occur before we lose ourselves to an onslaught of extreme emotions.
We might even be able to distance ourselves enough to take an observer viewpoint of the underlying issues that form the foundations of the anger. Take away those and the whole angry house collapses from within. We will not only learn to communicate with each other easily. We might even develop a whole new way of relating to each other. Wouldn’t that be grand?
Google:
1.cnvc:: Center for Nonviolent Communication home page
2.Defusing Hostilities - Halifax Regional Police - HRM
Key into YouTube a couple of less serious alternatives:
1. Anger Management through Anger Fasts: Part +anger
2. I feel pretty
Dear Smart To Be Concerned,
Now that we have noticed that our emotions flash to consciousness more quickly than our physical actions or our thinking, we can share the knowledge that most everyone else, save for a few monks and martial artists, are in the same boat. Everybody lets anger get the better of him or her from one time to another.
Notice a choice to get angry usually presents itself. Warning signs that we call Red Alerts can start with physical body: the clenching of the fists, the tightening of the jaw, the arrhythmic breathing pattern, the red face, the loud voice, and the sense of impending anxiety. The mental Red Alerts are an inability to order our thoughts in sequence, the inability to speak with ease or coherence (more than is usual!) and nasty thoughts. The solution can be another time out experience, and like the other time out, repeated practice strengthens the effect of the exercise.
This is a good practice to do before we go to sleep. We can do it in bed, but if we end up falling asleep before we have finished the practice, do it seated with the spine straight. Over a 20 minute period, recall all the events of the day from the moment we wake up to the moment we go to bed. Initially, we will either have difficulty keeping the events of the day restricted to the 20 minute period, or we will spend too much time on one segment and we will not be able to finish.
Let us give attention to the gaps in the day that we forget. Let us give particular attention to highly emotional events in the day. We can recall them in as much detail as possible. At whom did we get angry? What did the room look like? What were we wearing? What was the look on our face? What was our posture? Was there a smell that accompanied the angry moment? Was there a radio or the television playing? Who else was in the room? Were they contributing to the angry discussion? What words, expressions, epithets, swear words did I use? Visualize the moment as completely as possible. Observe the event from as many angles: pretend we are a cameraperson choosing close up, overhead and panoramic angles that present the angry event in as many different ways as possible.
In this repeated method of recalling and examining our actions, we will slowly gain an understanding of the chronology of Red Alerts that occur before we lose ourselves to an onslaught of extreme emotions.
We might even be able to distance ourselves enough to take an observer viewpoint of the underlying issues that form the foundations of the anger. Take away those and the whole angry house collapses from within. We will not only learn to communicate with each other easily. We might even develop a whole new way of relating to each other. Wouldn’t that be grand?
Google:
1.cnvc:: Center for Nonviolent Communication home page
2.Defusing Hostilities - Halifax Regional Police - HRM
Key into YouTube a couple of less serious alternatives:
1. Anger Management through Anger Fasts: Part +anger
2. I feel pretty
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Question 15. Walking On Eggshells And More +Stress
Dear 21st Century Dad, it seems all I have to do is look at my 14 year old son and my heart is beating crazy. My breath rises into the top of my chest. I can hardly breathe. I know I’m shouting but I can’t stop myself. It gets so bad sometime I don’t even hear myself. I know I’m in the room because my son is yelling at me. And it’s not a dream from which I awake. This house is hell. The slightest misstep and we are screaming at each other. We’ve had so many disputes over what time he should be home, homework and the friends he keeps, maximum volume has become the way we mostly address each other. Then my husband starts yelling at both of us to stop yelling and vacates to his workshop. I’m living in a kid hell. How can I get my kid to be normal? He won’t listen to anything I say. He’s said he hates me so often in the last month, I don’t pay any attention to it anymore.
Dear Let’s Turn Down the Volume, Way Down,
We need to address the level of tension in our house before any of us blows a gasket or the less experienced with life’s difficulties starts some self-destructive behaviour.
We are going to learn about time outs. When the emotional temperature starts to heat up, recognize the physiological signs of our anger and tell the other person we need to time out. Go to a safe and a private space. If we have the personality that needs to walk the anger out of our personality, tell the other person when we will return.
A time out does not include visiting friends.
No visits to friends applies for adults and teen alike.
We will have 10 to 45 minutes to be alone. We will observe that our minds are a whirlwind of thoughts and caustic emotions. Heavy duty arguments flood our physiology with adrenaline which props us up in a fight situation and drops us into a benumbed state of fatigue after the fight or flight is over. We have to deal with these effects during our time outs, or the time out will be an excruciating experience not wished to be repeated.
We can sit still on the end of a chair to keep our backs straight. We want to breathe in a relaxed way, to let the breath rise up and down the length of our back from our bellies to our upper chest. We don’t need to force our breath to do anything. We will breathe out our nose and sense the air coming in and out of our noses above our lips. If we are mouth breathers, we will sense the air touching our lips as it leaves the mouth.
So what’s going on here? Don’t we breathe all day anyways? Why are we sitting here alone, when there is an issue to be resolved?
Yes, we do breathe all day. Sometimes we lace our breathing with fury and sometimes we hold it so still with fear, we can go blue in the face. Neither method of breathing allows us a clear insight into the resolution of our issues. Our dysfunctional breathing influences our thoughts.
In our time outs, we sit and sense the air coming in and out of our noses as it flows past the upper lip. Our attention will soon wander.
We can notice that our minds want to return us to the argument, or suggest a trip to a hot Thailand beach, or give us reasons why this time out activity is stupid and accomplishes nothing, or seek revenge, or wonder if it might be better to bail out and sell the house. The activity of our time out is to return our attention to the breath coming out of the nose. We will observe after a few minutes that we become calm. If we are really freaked out, we can walk around the room and start over. After the second or third time, we will be calm.
If we need to walk outside, start an in breath on every fourth step and maintain that rhythm the length of the whole walk. We can put our attention upon the sensations that flood the feet when they contact the ground. Every step. When thoughts begin to interrupt the rhythm, restart the in breath upon every 4th step, and give attention to the sensations that floor the feet upon contact with the ground.
Time outs offer a moment to reflect. Is this argument so important we have to resume it? Are there more important issues to resolve? Does my anger help what we are resolving?
Even these questions will become unimportant if we do this exercise everyday and not reserve it for a time out period. We can watch ourselves change our perspective on life in the same way that we can strengthen or lengthen a muscle. We can repeat the exercise every day. We can observe how our whole life can change by simply observing it, and not getting caught up in it.
Key into YouTube different methods of stress busting:
1. Stress Relief Yoga: Breathing
2. Bobby Mcferrin - Don't Worry, Be Happy
3. Law of Attraction EFT STRESS BUSTER @ www.myGenie.tv
4. Laughing Yoga for stress
5. Stressbusters with Loretta LaRoche
6. hippo stressbusters
7. Progressive Relaxation For Stress Relief & Management
8. Bobby McFerrin - Ave Maria
9. …and a million more
Dear Let’s Turn Down the Volume, Way Down,
We need to address the level of tension in our house before any of us blows a gasket or the less experienced with life’s difficulties starts some self-destructive behaviour.
We are going to learn about time outs. When the emotional temperature starts to heat up, recognize the physiological signs of our anger and tell the other person we need to time out. Go to a safe and a private space. If we have the personality that needs to walk the anger out of our personality, tell the other person when we will return.
A time out does not include visiting friends.
No visits to friends applies for adults and teen alike.
We will have 10 to 45 minutes to be alone. We will observe that our minds are a whirlwind of thoughts and caustic emotions. Heavy duty arguments flood our physiology with adrenaline which props us up in a fight situation and drops us into a benumbed state of fatigue after the fight or flight is over. We have to deal with these effects during our time outs, or the time out will be an excruciating experience not wished to be repeated.
We can sit still on the end of a chair to keep our backs straight. We want to breathe in a relaxed way, to let the breath rise up and down the length of our back from our bellies to our upper chest. We don’t need to force our breath to do anything. We will breathe out our nose and sense the air coming in and out of our noses above our lips. If we are mouth breathers, we will sense the air touching our lips as it leaves the mouth.
So what’s going on here? Don’t we breathe all day anyways? Why are we sitting here alone, when there is an issue to be resolved?
Yes, we do breathe all day. Sometimes we lace our breathing with fury and sometimes we hold it so still with fear, we can go blue in the face. Neither method of breathing allows us a clear insight into the resolution of our issues. Our dysfunctional breathing influences our thoughts.
In our time outs, we sit and sense the air coming in and out of our noses as it flows past the upper lip. Our attention will soon wander.
We can notice that our minds want to return us to the argument, or suggest a trip to a hot Thailand beach, or give us reasons why this time out activity is stupid and accomplishes nothing, or seek revenge, or wonder if it might be better to bail out and sell the house. The activity of our time out is to return our attention to the breath coming out of the nose. We will observe after a few minutes that we become calm. If we are really freaked out, we can walk around the room and start over. After the second or third time, we will be calm.
If we need to walk outside, start an in breath on every fourth step and maintain that rhythm the length of the whole walk. We can put our attention upon the sensations that flood the feet when they contact the ground. Every step. When thoughts begin to interrupt the rhythm, restart the in breath upon every 4th step, and give attention to the sensations that floor the feet upon contact with the ground.
Time outs offer a moment to reflect. Is this argument so important we have to resume it? Are there more important issues to resolve? Does my anger help what we are resolving?
Even these questions will become unimportant if we do this exercise everyday and not reserve it for a time out period. We can watch ourselves change our perspective on life in the same way that we can strengthen or lengthen a muscle. We can repeat the exercise every day. We can observe how our whole life can change by simply observing it, and not getting caught up in it.
Key into YouTube different methods of stress busting:
1. Stress Relief Yoga: Breathing
2. Bobby Mcferrin - Don't Worry, Be Happy
3. Law of Attraction EFT STRESS BUSTER @ www.myGenie.tv
4. Laughing Yoga for stress
5. Stressbusters with Loretta LaRoche
6. hippo stressbusters
7. Progressive Relaxation For Stress Relief & Management
8. Bobby McFerrin - Ave Maria
9. …and a million more
Question 14. mixed custody and abuse
Dear 21st Century Dad, the school vacations are approaching and I’m looking at them with divided wishes. My fourteen year old boy vacations with his father. Half of me says, “Hurray I’ll get some breathing space,” and half of me is fearful. I never know what kind of boy will return. Last week, he was sitting beside me at the kitchen table. My boy, my neighbour and her two children (all are the same age), were talking about what to do about drugs and after school dances. When I disagreed with what my son was saying, he actually called me a stupid bitch. It was the tone in his voice that made the whole table went quiet. You could have heard a pin drop. I’ve never been so embarrassed. I apologized for his behaviour to my friend. I’ve been upset ever since.
Dear Ring The Alarm Bells,
Is there a reluctance to provide all the pertinent information? The question indicates there has been an abusive marital relationship, and now you are sick to death that a son is mirroring his father’s behaviour, and worse, perhaps with his father’s covert permission.
We must call a together a council of peers and elders. Our boy needs to know from as many people he respects that abuse in any form, physical, emotional or financial, is unacceptable, and can be punishable by law.
Does this bring our dirty linen into the public? Yes, it does.
Ask for assurance that everyone at the table buttons their lip once they leave the table. Battering, abuse, beating, exploitation, by whomever names this dysfunction, is wrong. This is not our little family secret; abuse is a virus that can destroy everyone’s family. Silence can only let it flower into another generation, and another, and another.
Can you get your previous husband’s support? If not, make clear to your son that what may be supported in one household will not be in ours. Draw a line in the sand, and get everyone in the world to support you.
If our son’s abusive actions continue, we need therapeutic assistance. Call a local crisis center, government ministry responsible for children, religious leader, or community organization for a referral to a therapist. Call a wise and empathetic friend to talk.
Be prepared for the event that our son will deny he needs help. Nobody likes to face misery in the eye.
Google:
1.Protecting Children
2.The Society for Children and Youth of BC (Once there, key in Links)
3.Senior Peer Counselling - mySeniorSite
4.BC Institute Against Family Violence - Newsletter
Key into YouTube
1. Tea Party Domestic Abuse PSA (This is a tough one to watch.)
Dear Ring The Alarm Bells,
Is there a reluctance to provide all the pertinent information? The question indicates there has been an abusive marital relationship, and now you are sick to death that a son is mirroring his father’s behaviour, and worse, perhaps with his father’s covert permission.
We must call a together a council of peers and elders. Our boy needs to know from as many people he respects that abuse in any form, physical, emotional or financial, is unacceptable, and can be punishable by law.
Does this bring our dirty linen into the public? Yes, it does.
Ask for assurance that everyone at the table buttons their lip once they leave the table. Battering, abuse, beating, exploitation, by whomever names this dysfunction, is wrong. This is not our little family secret; abuse is a virus that can destroy everyone’s family. Silence can only let it flower into another generation, and another, and another.
Can you get your previous husband’s support? If not, make clear to your son that what may be supported in one household will not be in ours. Draw a line in the sand, and get everyone in the world to support you.
If our son’s abusive actions continue, we need therapeutic assistance. Call a local crisis center, government ministry responsible for children, religious leader, or community organization for a referral to a therapist. Call a wise and empathetic friend to talk.
Be prepared for the event that our son will deny he needs help. Nobody likes to face misery in the eye.
Google:
1.Protecting Children
2.The Society for Children and Youth of BC (Once there, key in Links)
3.Senior Peer Counselling - mySeniorSite
4.BC Institute Against Family Violence - Newsletter
Key into YouTube
1. Tea Party Domestic Abuse PSA (This is a tough one to watch.)
Question 13. I’m scared of my son
Dear 21st Century Dad, my son has been watching too much Ultimate Fighting Championships. My fourteen-year old boy has grown taller and heavier than me. Words and consequences always worked before. Not anymore. I can’t get him to do anything and he’s got a mouth on him we wouldn’t believe. I asked him to clean his room last week and he stuck his fist out at me. He actually scared me. What should I do? I don’t think the boy knows his own strength.
Dear Shorter and Lighter,
I can almost hear you saying, “What happened to the beautiful Johnny I used to know?” In retrospect, don’t you wish you had taken the time to read all those ‘How to be a successful parent’ articles?
And now our sweet boy muses, POWER suits me. The North American diet, his power lifting exercises, and a few discursive words may even hurry up the transition to being the Alpha male in the family. “I’ll eat steroids, practice my Grand Theft Auto dialogue in the mirror, and choose clothes that intimidate my parents. I’ll be the King and rule my fiefdom with absolute disregard for parental feelings, and distain what they’ve done for me all my life.”
Shorter and Lighter, we’ve got a tough one. Here’s the immediate solution.
1. Don’t look him straight in the eyes. Step back to regain our personal space. That’s the space we make by looking into our palms and extending our arms in front of us to make an enclosed circle.
2. Identify his aggressive behaviour. “I can tell you’re really angry.”
3. Identify how it makes us feel, think, or want to act “When I are angry like this it makes me feel really scared. I can’t get my breath. My muscles are really tightening up. I’m wanting to say something back to you that’s just as mean but I know that will only make things worse.”
4. Put our attention on the issue, not the personality. The problem is we have to explore, analyze and brainstorm solutions with the brute that forgot to wash his teeth and is leaning into our face. Remember, the worst time to engage in enlightened thought is during the heat of the battle. In a quieter time, feed him apple pie. Take him for a walk. Toss a ball. If we can skateboard and talk at the same time, do that. Talk to him in simple words and allow lots of time for him to synthesize the request. Twenty minutes maybe. Time for information to settle in.
5. At all times, maximize your safety. Carry your cell phone and your car keys. Have an unobstructed exit (that means you don’t have to walk past him to get out of the house). Park your car with the front pointing to the street.
6. If all else fails, and he threatens to hurt, or hurts you, call the police. There’s no place for violence in families. Physical violence is a no no. Tell the police, “I want my child removed.” Have prepared a sleepover site where the police can take your son. You will have previously discussed with a good neighbour, friend or relative the requirement for an emergency respite for your son. Otherwise, the police will take the boy to an overnight cell.
Key into YouTube:
Genki Sudo MMA HL
Dear Shorter and Lighter,
I can almost hear you saying, “What happened to the beautiful Johnny I used to know?” In retrospect, don’t you wish you had taken the time to read all those ‘How to be a successful parent’ articles?
And now our sweet boy muses, POWER suits me. The North American diet, his power lifting exercises, and a few discursive words may even hurry up the transition to being the Alpha male in the family. “I’ll eat steroids, practice my Grand Theft Auto dialogue in the mirror, and choose clothes that intimidate my parents. I’ll be the King and rule my fiefdom with absolute disregard for parental feelings, and distain what they’ve done for me all my life.”
Shorter and Lighter, we’ve got a tough one. Here’s the immediate solution.
1. Don’t look him straight in the eyes. Step back to regain our personal space. That’s the space we make by looking into our palms and extending our arms in front of us to make an enclosed circle.
2. Identify his aggressive behaviour. “I can tell you’re really angry.”
3. Identify how it makes us feel, think, or want to act “When I are angry like this it makes me feel really scared. I can’t get my breath. My muscles are really tightening up. I’m wanting to say something back to you that’s just as mean but I know that will only make things worse.”
4. Put our attention on the issue, not the personality. The problem is we have to explore, analyze and brainstorm solutions with the brute that forgot to wash his teeth and is leaning into our face. Remember, the worst time to engage in enlightened thought is during the heat of the battle. In a quieter time, feed him apple pie. Take him for a walk. Toss a ball. If we can skateboard and talk at the same time, do that. Talk to him in simple words and allow lots of time for him to synthesize the request. Twenty minutes maybe. Time for information to settle in.
5. At all times, maximize your safety. Carry your cell phone and your car keys. Have an unobstructed exit (that means you don’t have to walk past him to get out of the house). Park your car with the front pointing to the street.
6. If all else fails, and he threatens to hurt, or hurts you, call the police. There’s no place for violence in families. Physical violence is a no no. Tell the police, “I want my child removed.” Have prepared a sleepover site where the police can take your son. You will have previously discussed with a good neighbour, friend or relative the requirement for an emergency respite for your son. Otherwise, the police will take the boy to an overnight cell.
Key into YouTube:
Genki Sudo MMA HL
Question 12. The Aesthetics of Piercing
Dear 21st Century Dad, when my daughter was in the bathroom her MSN screen posted a note asking her when she was getting her tongue pierced. When she came downstairs, I immediately questioned her about it. She flew into a rage that I was invading her privacy and wouldn’t discuss it. There’s no way I’ll let her get her tongue pierced. How do I tell her no?
Dear Private Piercing,
Let’s keep this conversation focused on the piercing, rather than our daughter’s complaint about her invasion of privacy. And let’s be careful. A forceful “No Way!” based on fear and guttural reaction often is a “YES I’M DOING IT ANYWAYS” to a determined teen.
Here’s some background information on piercing. If we change the name from piercing to getting body jewellery, would the less exhibitionistic among us still consider the process odious? Sophisticated cultures such as the Romans and the Sioux pierced. In ours, entertainment mentors such as Christina Aguilera. Britney Spears, Janet Jackson, Gwen Stefani, Axl Rose, Tommy Lee and Lars Ulrich pierce. Our teens pierce their ears, eyebrows, cheeks, lips, nose, navel, and tongue, and yes, even their nipples penis, labia, and clitoris.
Piercing is a medical concern. Christine Botchway BDS, LDSRCS(Eng.), DDPHRCS(Eng.), MSC writes in the Canadian Dental Association 1998 that tongue piercing may damage dentition, cause aspiration, infection, speech impediments and nerve damage. Oversized barbells can fracture teeth and wear off the enamel.
Dr. Botchway has a list of should do’s before our daughter entertains piercing. The most obvious is to know that epilepsy or an immuno-compromised status (HIV, AIDS, Hepatitis) will compromise any bleeding tendencies of piercing.
Next, we can find out if the piercing establishment has been health code checked? Phone the local health board. We want this place cleaner than clean. We can involve our daughter in both the medical and the regulatory search for information. Is there more than one store that pierces in our town?
Is the place relaxed enough to welcome parental discussion about piercings? Ask about the technician’s experience. We wouldn’t want just anyone picking a sliver out of our finger. Painful!!! So why would we want someone with only a week’s experience sticking a barbell through our daughter’s tongue? Piercing is an unregulated profession. Anyone can set up shop.
After our daughter has cooled out about the invasion of her privacy, we might discuss the aesthetic issue that concerns body jewellery. Whose body is it we are talking about? Our body, or hers? Being it’s our daughter’s body, her body jewelery is her own concern, not ours.
Google:
1. The Need for Standardization of Practice Among Tongue Piercers + Christine Botchway for a detailed discussion of cheek, lips and tongue piercing.
2. piercing in images.
3. <[PDF] PHI 082 0240 Body Piercing>
Key into YouTube:
1. Monroe Piercing. Check out the other videos if you are not squeamish.
Question 11. Jealousy and revenge
Dear 21st Century Dad, my daughter has had the same boyfriend for seven months. She doesn’t seem to trust him very much. Upon three occasions, she has been jealous of a rival girlfriend. Last week her boyfriend dumped her. For the rival! I think it’s because my daughter has been trying to control his every movement. She’s sixteen going on fourteen and has fallen into a tangle of despair and jealousy. I’ve picked up snippets of conversation around the house and she’s talking about revenging her loss by embarrassing him on his Facebook account (an online social networking service). I think she has his password.
I don’t know what to deal with first: the potential for her online slander, or the emotional hurt that must be leading her to be this stupid.
Girls! I don’t understand them. I’m a single parent. The older my daughter gets, the less I think I understand her.
Dear Befuddled by Relationships,
Wikepedia states, “Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival. This rival may have no knowledge of threatening the relationship.”
Let’s point out that the desire for revenge is not limited to young girls. Our daughter is suffering. A broken heart is hard enough to deal with; that she must resort to malevolent activities in a misdirected venture to restore her wholeness has been the grist of many an author’s meal since writers took up pens. How do we keep our daughter’s romantic drama from enmeshing her in further emotional entanglements?
The short term action is to find out if our assumptions about online slandering are correct. If they are, put an immediate stop to her online shenanigans. A server could ban her from further Internet use. Worse, her friends will eventually discover her abusive forays, and maybe abandon her. Who can trust a gossip and rumour mongerer? Being ostracized could be a harsh but appropriate payback.
If she hasn’t yet used the Internet to harm others, explain to her the sanctions we will impose, the first being to remove her Internet privileges until she is ready to use her privilege in a benign manner. If she has already abused her friend, contact him and have them meet. The two can resolve the harm, between themselves. Perhaps a school counselor could help or refer the case to a mediator. Resolution Dispute Centres may exist in our community. An appropriate start to their resolution might be an online apology.
The long term results of her Internet abuse could be worse. Internet information sticks around forever. Wait until our daughter presents herself to a job recruiter and is requested to explain her pernicious behaviour. “But I was only sixteen,” may kick our daughter off the short list. One unsavoury web mistake can be like a criminal record, except no organization exists to grant us a Pardon. Our daughter has to realize her private thoughts become public epitaphs in a world wide information net.
Can we understand the deeper question of why our daughter is jealous, and why she must resort to revenge?
Psychotherapists say the root causes of jealousy are a lack of trust and a low self esteem. The lack of self confidence that we express can be situational; in one set of circumstances we can feel ourselves to be on solid ground and we act with authority. In another set of circumstances, we feel that we are walking into a black hole. There is no solid ground, no stability. Our actions exceed the correct bounds. We push aside the truth, and become prepared to use harmful methods to minimize our losses.
How often do we compare ourselves to others and realize we are missing a piece of ourselves; we are not whole. We can fill that empty space with other people, but we need to be able control them, especially if they are not wanting to be at our ready service. Jealousy is not one of the seven deadly sins, but it does sit in the back pocket of Envy and gives rise to Anger. Our daughter is willing to go beyond correct bounds to keep her friendship intact. Definitely, a lose-lose situation!
Can our daughter visit a therapist, join a girls group that is mentored by a wise adult, or talk to a wise adult? Can she discover a person to whom she can let down her defenses? Can she discover a person whom will listen deeply to her explanation for her behaviour?
As parents, we can blame our children and suggest they always have a choice between right and wrong. We think that a dysfunction in our children, for no rhyme nor reason, seems to pop out of nowhere. Through insightful questioning, we may discover that our children’s problems result from not only genetics, and community influences, but also our family environment. We have an immense influence upon our children.
In Everyday Blessings, Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn write, “In our view, an automatic, unexamined, lowest-common-denominator approach to parenting, whether it manifests in overt violence or not, causes deep and frequently long-lasting harm to children and their developmental trajectories. Unconscious parenting also conspires to arrest our potential growth as parents as well. From such unconsciousness come, all too commonly, sadness, misses opportunities, hurt, resentment, blame, restricted and diminished views of self and the world, and intimately, isolation and alienation on all sides.”
As parents, our obligation is to learn and practice conscious parenting. Jon Kabat-Zinn suggests we study meditation techniques that anchor our observation to the present moment. As conscious and mindful parents, we will be the best mentor the child can have: fully present to each moment as it passes, ready to act with appropriate measure to each circumstance, compassionate, and fully energized by life.
Presence is contagious. Is there a greater gift we can offer to our daughter?
Here's a poem by translator Daniel Ladinsky.
Jealousy
And most all of your sufferings
Are from believing
You know better than God.
Of course,
Such a special brand of arrogance as that
Always proves disastrous,
And will rip the seams
In your caravan tent,
Then cordially invite in many species
Of mean biting flies and
Strange thoughts-
That will
Beat you
Up.
From: “The Subject Tonight is Love: 60 Wild and Sweet Poems of Hafiz by Daniel Ladinsky. Copyright © 1999 by Daniel Ladinsky. Reprinted by permission of the author.
Google:
1. Jealousy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
2. F] Community Accountability Programs Information Package
3. mindful parenting -- Jon and Myla Kabat-Zinn - YES! A Journal of ...
Key into YouTube:
1. Paris Hilton – Jealousy
I don’t know what to deal with first: the potential for her online slander, or the emotional hurt that must be leading her to be this stupid.
Girls! I don’t understand them. I’m a single parent. The older my daughter gets, the less I think I understand her.
Dear Befuddled by Relationships,
Wikepedia states, “Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival. This rival may have no knowledge of threatening the relationship.”
Let’s point out that the desire for revenge is not limited to young girls. Our daughter is suffering. A broken heart is hard enough to deal with; that she must resort to malevolent activities in a misdirected venture to restore her wholeness has been the grist of many an author’s meal since writers took up pens. How do we keep our daughter’s romantic drama from enmeshing her in further emotional entanglements?
The short term action is to find out if our assumptions about online slandering are correct. If they are, put an immediate stop to her online shenanigans. A server could ban her from further Internet use. Worse, her friends will eventually discover her abusive forays, and maybe abandon her. Who can trust a gossip and rumour mongerer? Being ostracized could be a harsh but appropriate payback.
If she hasn’t yet used the Internet to harm others, explain to her the sanctions we will impose, the first being to remove her Internet privileges until she is ready to use her privilege in a benign manner. If she has already abused her friend, contact him and have them meet. The two can resolve the harm, between themselves. Perhaps a school counselor could help or refer the case to a mediator. Resolution Dispute Centres may exist in our community. An appropriate start to their resolution might be an online apology.
The long term results of her Internet abuse could be worse. Internet information sticks around forever. Wait until our daughter presents herself to a job recruiter and is requested to explain her pernicious behaviour. “But I was only sixteen,” may kick our daughter off the short list. One unsavoury web mistake can be like a criminal record, except no organization exists to grant us a Pardon. Our daughter has to realize her private thoughts become public epitaphs in a world wide information net.
Can we understand the deeper question of why our daughter is jealous, and why she must resort to revenge?
Psychotherapists say the root causes of jealousy are a lack of trust and a low self esteem. The lack of self confidence that we express can be situational; in one set of circumstances we can feel ourselves to be on solid ground and we act with authority. In another set of circumstances, we feel that we are walking into a black hole. There is no solid ground, no stability. Our actions exceed the correct bounds. We push aside the truth, and become prepared to use harmful methods to minimize our losses.
How often do we compare ourselves to others and realize we are missing a piece of ourselves; we are not whole. We can fill that empty space with other people, but we need to be able control them, especially if they are not wanting to be at our ready service. Jealousy is not one of the seven deadly sins, but it does sit in the back pocket of Envy and gives rise to Anger. Our daughter is willing to go beyond correct bounds to keep her friendship intact. Definitely, a lose-lose situation!
Can our daughter visit a therapist, join a girls group that is mentored by a wise adult, or talk to a wise adult? Can she discover a person to whom she can let down her defenses? Can she discover a person whom will listen deeply to her explanation for her behaviour?
As parents, we can blame our children and suggest they always have a choice between right and wrong. We think that a dysfunction in our children, for no rhyme nor reason, seems to pop out of nowhere. Through insightful questioning, we may discover that our children’s problems result from not only genetics, and community influences, but also our family environment. We have an immense influence upon our children.
In Everyday Blessings, Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn write, “In our view, an automatic, unexamined, lowest-common-denominator approach to parenting, whether it manifests in overt violence or not, causes deep and frequently long-lasting harm to children and their developmental trajectories. Unconscious parenting also conspires to arrest our potential growth as parents as well. From such unconsciousness come, all too commonly, sadness, misses opportunities, hurt, resentment, blame, restricted and diminished views of self and the world, and intimately, isolation and alienation on all sides.”
As parents, our obligation is to learn and practice conscious parenting. Jon Kabat-Zinn suggests we study meditation techniques that anchor our observation to the present moment. As conscious and mindful parents, we will be the best mentor the child can have: fully present to each moment as it passes, ready to act with appropriate measure to each circumstance, compassionate, and fully energized by life.
Presence is contagious. Is there a greater gift we can offer to our daughter?
Here's a poem by translator Daniel Ladinsky.
Jealousy
And most all of your sufferings
Are from believing
You know better than God.
Of course,
Such a special brand of arrogance as that
Always proves disastrous,
And will rip the seams
In your caravan tent,
Then cordially invite in many species
Of mean biting flies and
Strange thoughts-
That will
Beat you
Up.
From: “The Subject Tonight is Love: 60 Wild and Sweet Poems of Hafiz by Daniel Ladinsky. Copyright © 1999 by Daniel Ladinsky. Reprinted by permission of the author.
Google:
1. Jealousy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
2. F] Community Accountability Programs Information Package
3. mindful parenting -- Jon and Myla Kabat-Zinn - YES! A Journal of ...
Key into YouTube:
1. Paris Hilton – Jealousy
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