Dear 21st Century Dad, I have been a single mother until a year ago. My 15 year old son and his step father cannot be in the same room together before the shouting starts. I feel I am stretched between two poles that are moving further and further apart. I love them both but their arguing is driving me crazy. I thought about getting outside help but my husband said we could avoid the embarrassment by handling it ourselves.
My husband obsesses over organization and tidiness. He gets angry if the tube of toothpaste is lumpy and misshapen. Once a week he checks the boy’s bedroom for tidiness. There is always a dispute about how the bed corners get tucked in. The spoons and knives have to be put back into their proper slot. There are battles over homework. We have had to limit visits by his friends to the house because they are simply too noisy. And worse, a lot of activities that John wants to do with his friends, we would call risky behaviour. So we don’t let him go. It’s so tense around the house after supper, emotions spontaneously erupt.
I know my husband goes overboard a bit. I just think if John had more respect for his new father, paid attention to the rules and accepted his household responsibilities without so much hassle, life would be a lot easier in the house. I’m afraid our son’s behaviour is going to get worse before it gets better. How do I get John to listen to his dad?
Dear Caught in the Middle,
Our household feels like it is under assault. The preoccupation with blame, the focus on performance, the name calling that make it virtually impossible to achieve the goals we want for our son. We have to own up to the fact that we are emotionally abusing our son.
We might be saying, “Whoa, just a minute I don’t abuse anyone.” To help us understand the different aspects of abuse, consult The Child, Family and Community Service Act 2002 Appendix 1 Section 1 CFCSA (2) which states a child needs protection when an emotionally harmed child demonstrates severe (a) anxiety, (b) depression, (c) withdrawal, or (d) self-destructive or aggressive behaviour.
Emotional abuse has a profound and negative effect upon the brain. Our boy will experience less pleasure, will be less likely to seek connection with other people and will probably be more aggressive. His experience of always having to defend himself will decrease his ability to calm himself when he gets agitated. Worse, it will be really hard for him to attend and focus. His thinking will be mucky. He won’t be able to do anything right, and then he will have to suffer further indignation by being shamed for his errors.
How can we promote a sense of calm? How can we create a structure that is more relaxed and informal? How can we develop a consistent expectation of behaviour that is predictable but not harmful? How can we promote a more collaborative conversation about teenage social requirements and parental worries? How can we encourage our boy to satisfy some household requirements without crushing his self esteem?
The learning curve we require in our house is steep. Our new step dad wants to impose a set of guidelines he learned from his father that may be twenty to forty years out of date, and are frankly abusive. Our son has discovered he has had no choice but to submit to a set of rules and regulations he knows are harsh and recriminatory. He is a prisoner in his own house.
First and foremost, we need to make ready a safe place for our son to live. Second, we need to recognize the solution is more protracted. The roots of this disharmony run deeper than that which can be immediately solved by family meetings and behavioural contracts. We need professional help.
Google:
1. BC + The Child, Family and Community Service Act to get a detailed description of the many forms of abuse and neglect.
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