Dear 21st Century Dad, both my 16 year old son and 14 year old daughter play music. My son went into her room to get some sheet music that was his, not hers. He saw it lying on her bed and needed it for his music lesson. She said he saw her changing and she claims he made an inappropriate commentary about her privates. These two are always fighting, and frankly, I can’t imagine he said what she claimed. I think my daughter set the whole thing up because she wants to move to her mother’s house, about an hour’s drive from here. She called in Family Services. I found out my daughter’s statement was an out and out lie. On top of that, my son was applying for a camp counselor’s position and somehow they got wind of her accusation. My daughter has a history of lying. What a mess. Any suggestions?
Dear Crying Wolf,
Our daughter’s desperation should not support a strategy that condones harm to other people. If she achieves her goal through fraudulent methods, she may revert to these methods every time she finds herself in crisis. If it is feasible that our daughter moves into her mother’s house, (she can choose after the legal age of 12), we must dissociate her method of action with achieving her goal. We cannot reward inappropriate action.
Lying is a serious issue. We want to reinforce the effect a family gathering may have by inviting an extra member or two to our table. Lying affects more than one victim. We suggest requesting her mother and perhaps a child advocate, a mediator or an expert knowledgeable in separated families attend. It would be useful to have an adult who could support our daughter. We don’t want an ‘us against her’ atmosphere.
The language and procedure that many restorative justice sessions can be helpful. We name the victim, the complainant and the perpetrator, the respondent. We assemble to educate our daughter, not to make her suffer a punitive outcome. Before the group sits, our daughter acknowledges her false accusation. Then to the people at the table, she recites what happened during the incident. Our son, the complainant, recalls the event in his own words. Then, he tells his sister how he has been hurt. Others would tell how the event affects them. (Mother is disappointed; Dad no longer trusts; son loses an interview; Child Protection wastes many hours of work). Our daughter listens and does not interrupt. She can explain her motivations. The table will urge her to offer some recompense such as honest remorse, an apology, and ask her how she can restore her family’s trust in her.
We will sometimes lie to protect ourselves or to avoid difficult consequences. Restorative justice sessions are effective in producing resolutions because we can hear the motivations for people’s actions. The behaviour may obscure an involvement with drugs or perhaps may occur in an ADHD child overloaded with stress.
Our family needs to heal. Teen lying that involves calling in outside authorities like Family Protection indicates a severe family disharmony. We all lie at one time or another. Clear ground rules that establish rules of behaviour, parental support of our children in their acceptance of the consequences, the discovery of why’s of lying and a safe loving household will go a long way to develop a moral family culture. Compulsive lying without the show of remorse indicates the need for some expert help.
Our daughter may lie; she is not the lie itself. Let’s separate her from her dysfunctional impulses. Instead of an accusation like “Do you see how you have screwed up?”, we can say, “I know this situation must have put you into some difficulty. What can we do better to achieve what you want to get without hurting others?” Lead her into conversations with questions. We need information. Her life may be more difficult than we realize. Her resorting to lies may indicate a requirement for more attention, or is a coping mechanism.
Lying corrodes family harmony. Worse, it deflates personal self worth and value. We know every accomplishment achieved through lying has a taint, and we live in constant anxiety. Who needs that? The best we can do for our children is to encourage them with our support to face up to the truth.
Google:
1. Scientific American Mind: Natural-Born Liars
Key into YouTube:
1. Don't Lie - Black eyed peas + le clip
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