Dear 21st Century Dad, my seventeen-year old daughter has my husband’s physical makeup. She is a couple of inches taller than me and twenty pounds heavier. We are getting into verbal fights. We both don’t like to do it but we are shouting before we recognize that we are angry at each other. She’s scary, and I guess, although I am sorry for it, I’m scary to her. Is there a method to preventing shouting at each other?
Dear Smart To Be Concerned,
Now that we have noticed that our emotions flash to consciousness more quickly than our physical actions or our thinking, we can share the knowledge that most everyone else, save for a few monks and martial artists, are in the same boat. Everybody lets anger get the better of him or her from one time to another.
Notice a choice to get angry usually presents itself. Warning signs that we call Red Alerts can start with physical body: the clenching of the fists, the tightening of the jaw, the arrhythmic breathing pattern, the red face, the loud voice, and the sense of impending anxiety. The mental Red Alerts are an inability to order our thoughts in sequence, the inability to speak with ease or coherence (more than is usual!) and nasty thoughts. The solution can be another time out experience, and like the other time out, repeated practice strengthens the effect of the exercise.
This is a good practice to do before we go to sleep. We can do it in bed, but if we end up falling asleep before we have finished the practice, do it seated with the spine straight. Over a 20 minute period, recall all the events of the day from the moment we wake up to the moment we go to bed. Initially, we will either have difficulty keeping the events of the day restricted to the 20 minute period, or we will spend too much time on one segment and we will not be able to finish.
Let us give attention to the gaps in the day that we forget. Let us give particular attention to highly emotional events in the day. We can recall them in as much detail as possible. At whom did we get angry? What did the room look like? What were we wearing? What was the look on our face? What was our posture? Was there a smell that accompanied the angry moment? Was there a radio or the television playing? Who else was in the room? Were they contributing to the angry discussion? What words, expressions, epithets, swear words did I use? Visualize the moment as completely as possible. Observe the event from as many angles: pretend we are a cameraperson choosing close up, overhead and panoramic angles that present the angry event in as many different ways as possible.
In this repeated method of recalling and examining our actions, we will slowly gain an understanding of the chronology of Red Alerts that occur before we lose ourselves to an onslaught of extreme emotions.
We might even be able to distance ourselves enough to take an observer viewpoint of the underlying issues that form the foundations of the anger. Take away those and the whole angry house collapses from within. We will not only learn to communicate with each other easily. We might even develop a whole new way of relating to each other. Wouldn’t that be grand?
Google:
1.cnvc:: Center for Nonviolent Communication home page
2.Defusing Hostilities - Halifax Regional Police - HRM
Key into YouTube a couple of less serious alternatives:
1. Anger Management through Anger Fasts: Part +anger
2. I feel pretty
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