Dear 21st Century Dad, my almost 15 year old son could be a high second round pick Bantam. He is capable of impacting hockey games with his physical play and rushing the puck with his skating. He’s a budding 180 pound Michael Peca, and opposing skaters know they need to keep their heads up when he’s on the ice. He has an excellent shot. Trouble is his plus minus has fallen through the roof, and his coach has him sitting on the bench. This boy, who could be setting himself up to an NHL career, doesn’t quite get it. He’s a gifted athlete who is not willing to work out of his slump. Every time I go to ask him about his game, he erupts. How I can penetrate his thick head?
His mom and I have invested what may feel like at least a quarter of a lifetime into early morning rink practice, a pile of money that we’ve spent on equipment and transportation, and a few emotional roller coasters. And all for what?
Dear Hockeyhockeyhockeyhockeyhockeyhockeydad,
Organized sport for our children offers many benefits to parents. It is a vehicle in which we can create a cohesive bond with our children. We know where are kids are. We know they can be acquiring valuable life skills. We can learn the personalities of our child’s friends through observing their interactions on the playing field.
We can also share in our boy’s glory. His or her success can boost our own sense of accomplishment and esteem. That’s where problems can arise.
Our boy is fifteen and is well along the path to become a professional hockey player. In all this time, have we had a conversation about whether the game benefits him, or the whole organizational apparatus that exists to extend his hockey participation? That includes our expectations about his abilities. Organized sport can elevate the importance of the organization over the value and needs of the individual.
He is having troubles. Let’s imagine the self esteem of a first or second line player whose backside now warms the bench. Our boy has lost the attention of his coach. What could be more destructive than parental harassment?
Everybody experiences low points, but most of us do not have to suffer public humiliation. Our boy is fifteen! The heavy blanket of criticism hasn’t helped him put pucks in the net or improve his plus/minus. Let’s change our strategy.
As in every parent/teen crisis, we start by looking at our own stress levels. Has the intensity of the experience drawn blinkers over our perspective? If we encourage ourselves to do some de-stressing activities, we lower our receptivity to triggers that our son’s difficulties and his attitudes cue. It’s always easier to have a conversation when we are relaxed, and easier to explode when we are wired with resentment, anger and disappointment.
Let’s own up to our expectations. Then he will be more receptive to giving us permission to talk to his teachers, his guidance counselor at school, his coach, his girlfriend, and his close friends. Let them fill us with their perspective on the make up of our boy. We will get impressions that will provide us with a more complete picture of what is happening in his life. In the past six months, has he developed different aspirations than those we wish he would accomplish?
After learning this background information, offer him some space. His bench warming may be an opportunity in the making. Can he use the experience to clarify his expectations? He may want to do other activities in his youth. He may be reacting against the constant pressure of being successful. He may be…he may be…he may be? Can he vocalize his aspirations? As a fifteen year old, numerous options are open to him. And to us.
We want him to be comfortable with his self designed decisions about his participation in hockey. Parental directives may result in rebellion, anxieties, apathy and other negative dysfunctional activities. However our son manifests his future, our unqualified support will ensure his success will not be marbled by neurosis.
Google:
1. PDF] Massachusetts Hockey +parents +Code
2. Code of Ethics and Good Practice for Children's Sport in Ireland
Key into Youtube:
1. Don Lucia Speech
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