Dear 21st Century Dad, I’m 67 and my husband is 69. You’d think that at our age we would have enough wisdom locked up to get us past this life and well into the next one. We only made one mistake. We took custody of our eight-year old grand daughter. We had to. Our son was so drug addled, we had ban him from the house. He couldn’t remember that we had lent him $13,000, and given him a truck to get his life back into shape. What could we do? Five years later we’re exhausted. There must be something to this genetic predisposition to addiction. We’ve raised her proper, like we did the son, to no avail. Her room smells like a marijuana greenhouse and we’re sure she’s doing heavier drugs. Neither of us have the energy to raise her any longer. We’re like a couple of worn out socks. We never imagined our retirement years to be like this. Can you help us?
Dear Tattered Dreams,
We can be comforted by the fact that in our North American society, there is a pile of baby boomer parents who are just as exhausted as you. They haven’t even graduated to the grandparent stage yet.
Of paramount importance is for us to get on the ball physically and mentally by taking care of our own health. We must do whatever is necessary to change our lifestyles so that we feel like robust fifty year olds rather than withered seventy year olds. Open those brochures the local community centre send to your door and sign up for some courses.
Remember, there is strength in numbers. Grand parenting is no longer a rare phenomenon. Seek out a group of your peers with a similar obligation. In this group you can vent, empathize, and develop strategy for raising your grandchildren with others who can offer you alternatives to your present strategies.
Organize respite opportunities with our extended family members, your friends and if possible, from your local government responsible for the safety and development of children. Drive the officer in charge of offering financial help for respite crazy. They would prefer to support your respite demands and you going crazy with intermittent teen problems than knowing a thirteen year old is out on the streets. Scream loud enough to put yourself at the head of the line.
Who ever offers respite, ensure their welcome to our grand daughter is sincere. Make clear that the house rules be replicated. Our grandchild should not be made more comfortable in the respite home than she is in our own. The respite is a break in routine for the caregivers, not the cared for.
There is a chain of wrongs occurring here; the history of addiction and abandonment has left our grand daughter with a distinct disadvantage compared to many other children. She requires great compassion for her lot in life. Please remember that compassion can take the form of a sharp stick. The implication is not to commence corporal punishment. The compassionate stick can take the form of a set of clear guidelines for your grand daughter to adhere.
At her age, a minimum five years transition time to her adult years remains. Can our grand daughter realize that living together is a team effort? We can discuss with her that a lack of capacity to live by the house rules may mean looking for permanent alternate care. We can explore the benefits of that relationship, the first being that the grandparents can do what they are supposed to do in North America: shower the grandkids with cookies, treats, late bedtimes, stories and lots of love. The foster parents can play the guardian role.
Can a thirteen year old understand that unless she curtails her irresponsible activities, she may have to leave the household?
Probably not! But we can add the figures. In five years plus 67 or 69, two of us might be past remembering who we are, let alone participating in the wondrous growth of a teenager’s life.
The experience of being without family may teach her that we aren’t that so bad after all. Especially if we ladle heaps of love into the huge transitional stage we call the teenage years.
Google:
1. The Canadian Grandparents Rights Association, B.C. Branch
2. Parent Support Services of BC - Parent Support Vancouver BC - All
3. [PDF] Grandparents and teen grandchildren: Exploring Intergenerational ...
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