Dear 21st Century Dad, everything seemed so perfect until my eldest son’s girlfriend moved into our house. He is twenty-two; she is nineteen. We’ve known her for two and a half years. She’s a blessing in disguise. She helps with the housework, some of the farm work, contributes financially and seems more mature than either my son or me.
The downside is my son’s partner has no respect for the sixteen-year olds’ new social circle or for her lifestyle, and makes her opinions known frequently and loudly. The sixteen-year old is my wife’s daughter. My partner’s daughter has been difficult to deal with lately: too many boys, a couple of messy introductions to alcohol, and a few broken curfews and broken promises. Everyone is taking sides and the arguing is incessant. She and my son’s new live in are like cats and dogs, no, make that chalk and chalkboard. Our blended household complicates the allegiances. What do we do?
Dear The Crown Only Fits One Head,
A kingly strategist separates the two contenders and banishes the sideliners to non-involvement and quiet. Our 16 year old is a problem with whom we have to deal. We can appreciate our son’s partner for her contributions to the household. We can also limit who doles out rewards and punishment: that is the role of the family head, not the newcomer. You can accept her help without conferring any power upon her.
Let’s call a family meeting. We can identify the contentious issue and separate it from the people who are causing it. Name the problem. How does it affect each person? In this meeting, some rules we may establish for easing the conversation will be to banish the directional pointing finger gesture and the accompanying “You + (accusation)” from the dialogue at the table. Use the personal “I” statement. “When there’s so much yelling in the house, I feel like I want to plug my ears and….”
Let’s establish a priority speaking list and offer everyone the time to say their peace. It’s good to hear how our actions affect others and how other’s actions affect us.
That’s enough for this initial meeting. Let’s ask everyone to keep their opinions and commentary to themselves until the next meeting, which will be the last point of discussion at the first meeting.
Let’s talk to all the sideline people individually. Ask them to cease and desist: in other words, we welcome their contributions to resolve the dispute if they are constructive. Emphasize to each sideliner their supportive quietude is an expected offering.
Our daughter may be getting into trouble. That’s a discussion that must exclude our new house member’s judgmental attitude. The best that she may offer is her support. She can ask how she can help us, if indeed we need her help.
Our eldest son, her partner, is critical in this scenario. New and true love can honour and defend even silly disputes. He has to recognize the difficulties of living with feet in two camps, his primary family and his new one.
Lets have our sixteen-year old daughter and our new daughter in law to be sit down with us and work out some agreements for co habitation. There are two points that are not up for discussion. Our daughter in law is here to stay for at least a year. Second, the responsibility for our daughter’s behaviour is exclusively one to be explored between our daughter and ourselves.
Then, we can commence the conversation how two people who have a distinct chemical dislike for each other can live in the same space.
Key into YouTube:
1. Stepfamilies/ Blended Families
2. William Ury presents The Power of a Positive No
3. Negotiation Skills
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