Dear 21st Century Dad, I am your typical multitasking overworked going crazy self employed single mom with an almost successful business and a thirteen year old that always wants attention when I am on the phone doing business, in the middle of a technical nightmare on the computer, or up on the roof repairing the shingles. “Mom, can you help me with this...” Whatever he wants is a life and death issue, until I stop what I’m doing, and then his problem is not such a big deal. If I don’t stop what I’m doing, he gets angry and I have to stop anyways. I’m getting more and more dragged out and really impatient with my son. He’s always been like this but since his dad left last year, I’m the sole support and attention provider.
Dear Constantly Pulled Apart,
It sounds our son is still not sure which way things are up and which are down. The break up of a family unit can be stress enough upon our conception of the world, much worse occurs when one of the family unit, dad, seems to have disappeared. Our boy feels threatened, and our boy’s immediate urge is to grab a hold of a parent’s hand or leg to feel secure.
Our boy needs assurance that there is some stability in his life. Routines can be very important. Repeating the same routines reinforces the same pathways in the brain and builds dependability into the schedule of the day. If there is change, we need to vocalize the change before it happens and give reason for the change. Ask our son to verbalize his comprehension of what is going on. The process opens up neuronal pathways in his brain that reinforce his conception of safety.
In our own daily schedule, we can insist upon periods of non disturbance. We can ask him how he could be creative during these periods, and ensure that his suggestions encompass his experience. We always have the tendency to rely upon the easy outs such as television or computer games, the perfect baby sitters. We can offer these forms of entertainment as a reward.
If our living space allows us to have a pet such as a dog, our boy will have the perfect companion. If we heap lots of love and attention on the dog, our boy will mimic our care giving behaviour; learn to offer it; and be able to receive it.
If time outs are not feasible, we can take three deep breaths. Begin on a complete exhalation to empty the lungs of the old air. Identify the physiological red alerts and vocalize the observations. “I notice you are clenching your fists. Can you put that anger into your tongue so it can verbalize the anger?” The questioning technique opens up new neuronal pathways. The attention on the specific body part puts the anger into something solid, something that can be observed and changed, rather than some vague anger triggered by an event that may have happened years ago.
We have to look after own life as well. Kids mimic parents. We know the expression, “Do as I say, not as I do,” indicates the knowledge that it is our behaviour that imprints the sponge minds of children, not our spoken demands. If we are running around and seem to be suspended mid air between a dozen separate activities, is it any wonder that are children will reflect our behaviour?
The divorce has put a lot of stress on our family. We have to verbalize to each other how the present is different from the past, not bury it in repressed anger or sadness. We want to express our sense of self and what is going on in the household. Let’s put thoughts and emotions to spoken word. This may not be an easy process, especially for boys to do. Allow him lots of time to come up with answers. If he is stuck, we can give words to describe his experience. If we are wrong, he’ll tell us and we’ll b e able to start the conversation which he couldn’t do before.
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