Dear 21st Century Dad, I’m a single dad who is starting to feel a little uneasy. As hard as it is to admit it, my daughter is becoming a young woman. My daughter is making the movement from being an adolescent to being a teenager. Scary!
The adolescent part of her has a dozen cuddly dolls at the head of her bed. She watches what I would call pretty insipid Kids’ Channel family sitcoms, nothing inappropriate for her age, and whines at me if I’m too tired to do the tuck in routine at sleeptime.
The teenager part of her can sing the words to all the songs everyone listens to on pop radio. Although a lot of that stuff is way over her maturity level, it’s on the radio everywhere.
She is turning 13 and she must be ready to have her period. She is growing breasts and she asked for money to buy a training bra. She has started to mix the sitcoms with makeover fashion programs and she is beginning to develop this attractive teenage image.
I don’t know how to express my affection any more. I’m not sure if I should hug her, or pat her on the shoulder.
Dear Tentative Touch,
There’s a time and a place for appropriate touch and it’s probably what you have been doing all along. We hug a child when they hurt themselves. We share appreciation with words and gestures like slapping each other’s palms in a victory accomplishment. We can sit touching each other hip to hip on the same chesterfield because we are father and child, or give a hug through the blankets and a kiss on the forehead during a goodnight sleep routine. (Our daughter will let us know when this nighttime custom will no longer be appreciated.) These forms of touch express an unequivocal pattern of behaviour. The intentions are clear.
To protect our child against any form of sexual harassment she may encounter in the world outside the safe boundaries of our family, we can begin by making the discussion of sexuality a trigger free topic. The discussion need not be different than questions about if there is a God, how the universe works, why the sky is blue, or why math is important. Let’s be open about sex talk. If we are reluctant participants, ask one or two of our trusted women friends to introduce her into the nuances of her gender. Women can be best at exploring these topics with other women; however, we can join the group at least once to emphasize that talk about sex is normal between men and women.
The immanent approach of our daughter’s menarche can cloud and confuse her thinking and her emotions. We can talk to our daughter about the importance of trusting her feelings about other people. How will she know? We can ask her to familiarize herself with the link between emotions and body sensations. What does a change in her breathing rhythm mean? Does she get a lump in the throat? Does she experience weird sensations in her stomach? Does she blush? Does her heart beat faster? Does she sweat or experience temperature changes? These abrupt physiological changes in her body are telling her something is wrong about the person she is with, and that perhaps the onset of these body sensations are warning signs of danger.
Our daughter is the owner of her physical body. Her ownership rights include her permission to be comfortable with saying “No” to relatives, friends, strangers and other people who want to communicate with her by using physical contact. That includes Dads.
In the meantime, give her the usual amount of hugs and appreciative pats on the shoulder. Well nurtured children grow up to be nurturing adults. Our world needs lots of both of them.
Google:
1. Fatherwork
2. Fathering Your Adolescent: Ways to Strengthen Your Relationship ...
3. www.mydad.ca
Key into YouTube:
1. Father And Daughter + Film & Animation
2. Father's Day Video from "Evolution of Dad" -- Part1 of 7
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