Question 38. Manipulation, almost abuse

Dear 21st Century Dad, I don’t know who has it worse. A woman in my wife’s office was talking about her 17 year old teenager. The girl won’t wash. She’s a pungent embarrassment to her mother. The woman buys her daughter expensive clothes but the daughter wears the same ones over and over until well past the stink time. My wife told me the woman is the Executive Assistant to the CEO.

It’s not much different in my family. I’m the principle of a school. When he wishes, my brilliant son can produce failing grades and be a discipline problem to a number of his teachers. Generally, his mischievous acting out occurs when we refuse an outlandish request. When I hear my son’s name come up in staff room, I vacillate between hiding my head in shame and wanting to send him to Afghanistan.

Dear Broken Mirror,

We construct an identity around our jobs that we believe defines the essence of who we are. That identity allows us to enjoy the material fruits of financial security and offers us health, cultural and education options unavailable to many others.
Our attachment to our identities is the weakness that our children can manipulate Do we call these children puppeteers or psychologists? By either name, we know them to be masters at getting what they want. Their interest is a redistribution of power within the family configuration. Abuse can manifests itself financially, physically or emotionally. In this case, our son’s abuse is passive.

What complicates the difficulty of addressing these concerns is that we want our children to succeed in a world that our children may abhor. We assume all members of our family share similar desires and aversions. The opposite may hold true. One person’s perspective may give reason to another’s rebellion. And it may be something as fundamental as one’s disrespect for the type of food another prefers over the other.

Unless there is a traumatic shift in psychology or a shift due to a medical dysfunction, abrupt changes rarely rise out of nothing. Every condition has a cause. If our children have had to submit to some extreme aspects of our personality, they can often rebel by reflecting our extreme natures, but in a negative manner. Who can win this battle? Both suffer.

Better to collaborate to resolve a solution. Discover in conversations with all immediate family members and extended family members, which would include friends and other respected people, what is the underlying issue that’s causing the teen acting out.

We can remember that to a family of heavy metal heads, a teenager who wears a tie and sports jacket to school is a shocking and scary oddity.

We can allow behaviour that is shocking, non compliant, unorthodox, and different to flower. Dysfunctional behaviour that causes harm to self or others, we must draw a line around and contain by keeping strong to our principles, by not giving in, by saying no to abuse.

Google:
1. http://www.mincava.umn.edu/

Key into YouTube:

1. Bad Smell Vs. Good Smell
2. Hypnotist (Smell)