When he gets home, our house goes through a re-entry cycle. After 16 years, we have learned to make our individual adjustments. The problem is our older two boys. They’ve charted their own independent course over the last three years, and the fires light up when their dad tries to lay down the law, after being away for two months. Last week, my husband demanded everyone be home for supper at five. No excuses. We were all to eat together. Supper tasted dry and bitter.
It’s impossible. When he’s away, we don’t do that anymore. I cook for four people, and let the boys reheat or cook their own dinner. They’ve become good cooks and thank goodness for it. They have girlfriends, do sports, and work at part time jobs that make them even more independent.
Our little girl was crying the other night because of the arguments. It gets too close to being physical.
Dear Logger Bride,
In a family unit, young children live at the bottom of a top down hierarchical system. We limit our children’s knowledge to the emotional and intellectual world we present them. Our husband’s structured absences can be a normal occurrence, and his return, especially to pre-adolescent children, can be an event marking a time of food fests, gifts, long missed hugs, an extra voice to appeal a consideration, and even a tangible proof to other children that a real father exists.
The glowing scenario of the happy reunited family can disintegrate as our children approach the teenage years. Dad the loving father figure becomes THE other authority figure to whom a teenager must negotiate curfew times, allowances, chores, homework obligations, selection of friends, the type of music listened to in the house, a share of the computer time, the television, and demands by rights of family pecking order the favorite, most comfortable chair. Worse, his demands are either a heavy constraining blanket or a long distance presence that can be ignored. To a teenager, Mom saying no to a request sounds like a single voice in the wilderness compared to both parents present and voicing a loud and simultaneous NO.
Our family needs to come together to do some brainstorming. We are growing up and growing older. Do we need to grow apart? One sure way to get the family together around the dinner table, and in good spirits, is to invite the boy’s girlfriends and a couple of their friends to a back garden barbecue. Let’s remember, good food is family glue.
We can encourage our boys’ independence and self esteem by asking them to select the barbecue menu and maybe we can even pass along a chef’s hat and apron to one or both of them. A well prepared and finely appreciated meal can do wonders for the self esteem department. If our boys weekend work schedule conflicts with getaways to camp sites and swimming sites, we can open up our home to an eating party, a game night or a laugh at the family picture album comedy hour. What other family activities can excite a family diverse in ages? Are there relatives immediate to the neighborhood we can get to know again?
Eating together as a family unit cements the family bonds. Seven nights a week may be an impossibility. Can we work our schedules to include one all-family-members-sit-down, and formalize two or three nights per week when only one of the teens will be present at the table? Sometimes the individual attention we can provide to our teenagers can be more valuable than when we have to split our attention three ways. We can schedule a family sit down dinner at least once a week whether dad is present or not. Rebuild a routine.
If there is any access to a computer, we can start stocking pictures of important events on web sites such as
Let’s bring father into the family in a manner in which we have never done before. Grant him a love fest, family style. Traditionally, fathers gift their teenagers on birthdays. Do our teenagers celebrate our father’s birthdays and special days in the same way? Not usually. Father’s birthdays are usually low on the teen totem pole and a lot of children have only a sense of the month when their father’s were born. The teens may hang out for an extra helping of the dinner and a piece of the birthday cake, then it’s off to meet the friends, quick! Who needs a special occasion? Invent one, celebrate, and entice our children to stay after the food runs out.
As husband and wife or family partners, we can realize that that the strength of our commitment reflects the connectedness of our family. Ideally, Dad can support the parental decisions that Mom decides in his absence, and Mom can expect a responsive ear when she discusses parental issues. Have extended and frequent absences made integration into the family difficult? How can we make the return into the family structure smoother? Dad may have to review his own methods of parenting and partnering.
The longer the absence, the expectation of Dad thinking, “Stop what you have been doing in your life, I’m home now to be the centre of attention,” may not work as a model of reintegration into the family after six months. What does he bring to the parenting dynamics that works, and what can he drop that doesn’t? Are there competency issues? Has Mom learned an effective manner of dealing with issues that need not be changed or ‘improved upon’ by Dad? If Dad is used to unquestioned authority at his work site, do resistant teens and a resistant Mom escalate his blood pressure? Can we devise a transfer of authority that all family members agree to before Dad returns? What are his suggestions as to how he can modify the effect of his absences?
We can view our looming parental crisis as a potential crisis or latch onto an opportunity and to dig down and discover the true nature of our commitment to each and every one of us.
Google:
1. Facebook
2. Keeping in Touch- When Distance Keeps You Apart, HYG-5162-96 (for more support tips on absentee parental members.)
3. Oregon Sea Grant - Connecting With Fathers At Sea
No comments:
Post a Comment