Dear 21st Century Dad, I don’t get what is going on with my son. Since he started middle school, he has become so negative and hard to talk to. I ask him what his school day was like and I get a grunt and a movement of his lips that looks like a smirk. If he has been skiing for the day, or been out on a school trip, or has spend the day with his friends, and he is in a talkative mood (two sentences more than a grunt), he generally focuses upon some minor event that discoloured his whole day. Sometimes, I feel like I’m feeding a tenant more than someone who is supposed to be a part of our family.
Dear Curious About Depression,
Let’s be aware that he is communicating to us, just not in words. He is using a variety of non verbal cues, one being the smirk on his lips. Are there other non verbal cues that he is using? What does his posture say to us? Experienced poker players learn that another player’s tics, shift in body postures, movements, scratches of the eyebrows, tips to the brim of a hat can indicate the efficacy of a player’s poker hand. Poker players call these telltale signs ‘tells’.
We can learn and become familiar with our son’s tells. We can identify them and put words to them. “I notice you are raising your left eyebrow in that way you do when you are doubting my information. Tell me what gives you the feeling that my information is wrong.” Get him to verbalize his body expressions.
The phrase ‘school day’ covers a lot of ground and at least a seven hour day. We could invite more conversation if we were more specific and keyed in on a particular part of the day such as his gym class or math. Open ended requests for information invite a broader description than just a yes or no. Instead of asking, “Did you have any breakthroughs in math today (he answers either yes or no and ends the conversation)”, you could say, “Tell me about the integers you had to do in math class today.”
If he is non responsive, we can still work on deconstructing the shield he is putting up. The best weapon is more words, about ourselves, not about the shield he is erecting. We can tell him about the small snippets of information that place attention on our successes, however small. We want to construct a way of looking at the world that he will mimic; a world that does not collapse in the presence of one unfortunate event that can mar his whole day. We want to build up a positive memory bank of experiences.
And let’s remember, we have to tell the story with our facial muscles as well as our words. People mimic facial expression, and mimic the emotional background the facial expression reflects. All those corny yellow happy face stickers have an effect. A real person with a heart felt ‘happy face’ is contagious.
We can review the good times together. “Remember when” can be turned into a positive, interactive time. We can retell these positive memory building experiences in a relaxed and informal manner. We want to keep the laughter that might have occurred, the intimacy, the camaraderie to be a natural recall. We want to link the good times of the past to the good times of the present through a good feeling word narrative.
And of course, we can follow our telling with a question that draws him into conversation, “When we were laughing like crazy, what did you think…? Or, “When we went to that comedy that had Jack Black in it, I never thought I’d laugh so hard. How does that guy come up with those ideas? We should go to another movie.” We can allow conversations to develop and flow and look for an opportunity that may lead to activities that we can share together. Sitting in a movie for an hour and a half is a passive activity, but it can give lots of conversational oomph to a restricted word palette.
Let’s be aware of a constant lethargy. It is a medic alert for depression. Our son may need a doctor referral, if he seems lifeless and listless to you. These are not the attitudes of a healthy teenager.
Google:
1. Mentoring Boys - The official website of Barry Macdonald author of
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