Question 25 I don’t trust my son

Dear 21st Century Dad, I don’t trust my son anymore. He has had some had some run-ins with a group of neighbourhood kids that he and a couple of his friends don’t see eye to eye on. These are all nice kids from responsible homes but they have met each other down at the local high school to rumble each other. The janitor called the police. They were fighting on school property and two windows got broken. He, his mother, seven other kid’s parents and myself figured out a solution through a restorative justice program.

I thought everything was improving until last night. I got a call from the police officer whom had been at the school. I know the guy. Last night, he saw my son with the same group of kids and they seemed to be up to no good. Last night he was supposed to have been at Billie’s, another friend. I asked him what he and Billie had gotten up to. He gave me a pack of lies that went on for ten minutes. I entertained him by asking him more questions until it became obvious I’d caught him lying through his teeth. I had him by the short hairs.

How can I persuade my kid that telling lies just isn’t worth it? That to be a man and face up to the truth is the easiest path to follow in life?

Dear Pyrrhic Victory,

We may be on the way to winning the battle but losing the war. Prosecutors may weaken their case if the defense lawyers can prove their client is a victim of entrapment. The same can occur in our families. The temptation to catch our children telling a brazen lie can remove the haziness of doubt and end the perpetual cycle of the “you did” and “I didn’t” dialogue that occurs between disbelieving parents and misbehaving children.

Criminals can ask for a lawyer. Our children can’t. Entrapment immerses our children in a downward spiraling estimation of their self esteem. Entrapment does not stop the desire to misbehave. It fills the brain with flight and fright chemicals that make impossible the rational analysis of why the misbehaviour occurs. To hear someone lie, especially our son, sours the sweet taste of life.

If we already know the answer to our question, where he was last night:
1. Let’s be upfront and ask the real question we want. “The police officer called us last night. You broke your promise. You were with someone you were not supposed to be with.”

2. We can make him aware of the consequences, or ask him to suggest his own remedial consequences.

3. The restorative justice program should have made our son accountable. He finished his resolution obligations, but some time later he is courting danger again. We can ask him if he really understood the process of restorative justice, and ask him if he understands the ramifications if he gets into trouble again. With his name on the books, a police officer will probably not refer him to a restorative justice program a second time around.

4. We can ask him what support he needs to fulfill his resolution obligations.

At a time removed from the event, we can discuss the notion of truth telling. Is it really the easiest path to follow in life? We call people who willingly suffer death rather than renounce the principles such as the truth, to be martyrs. That’s pretty committed. We lie for so many reasons. Mostly, the consequences of telling the truth are uncomfortable. How can we tie the notion of truth into the consequences our son will suffer?

Who ever said parenting is easy?

Google:

1. truth-and-lies Quotes. truth-and-lies Quotations Interactive Database
2. Lecture on Buddhist Precept of Right Speech

Key into YouTube:

1. BEP - Don't Lie