Dear 21st Century Dad, For several months my husband complained about back pain and digestive problems but refused to see a doctor. Last year his doctor diagnosed him with a herniated disc in his low back. He had an operation but it didn’t work, and he is in more pain now than he ever was. His doctor says he has a chronic pain disorder. I myself suffer from fibromyalgia. We both sit around like a couple of grandparents. Trouble is we have a sixteen year old daughter who has decided to use our handicaps to her advantage. She says it’s not fair she get’s stuck with all the chores. It is difficult to discipline a child when it takes ten minutes to get up out of a chair. She just walks away when she disagrees with something and our yelling doesn’t stop her slamming the door on her way out to another late night party.
Dear Purple Hearts,
When a medical crisis hits a family, often the tried and true methods of dealing with stressful situations fall by the wayside because we don’t have enough energy to manage our solutions to a successful completion.
Chronic pain disorders can change the natural cycles and rhythms of our family. We choose to avoid many physical activities that tire us or bring on an acute pain occurrence. We can discover that our desire to aggressively regain an active lifestyle falls by the wayside and it’s easier to adopt a sedentary and slower lifestyle.
Our daughter is moving in the opposite direction. If we are not very careful, she may look upon us as a drag upon her youthful desires, and us as people who ARE a chronic pain disorder, rather than people who HAVE a chronic pain disorder.
How can we change her attitude toward our requests? One possibility is that we realize discipline and decision making is not dependent upon the function or dysfunction of our ambulatory abilities. The history of the world has experienced great leaders who have had severe physical dysfunctions. It is our obligation to our daughter that we be mentors who can rise above our difficulties. We must guard against the tendency to allow our situation to colour our discourse with our daughter. Uncontrolled emotions may trigger an immune response reaction that will further accentuate the crisis in our family.
Let’s recognize the severity of the crisis and its effect upon our family. What better reason than this to call a family conference and get the entire array of dispute cards on the table? Chronic medical conditions imply permanence. Our family will never be as it used to be. We need to talk. How can we retain the best of what we had and move on into the future? We should consider hiring a mediator or engaging a trusted family member or friend whom will be respected by our daughter. Do we need the advice of an occupational health nurse to organize some of the physical challenges? Three or four extra people around the table can formalize the occasion and reduce the conditioned conflict that always arises between the same set of people.
Here are some critical questions that should determine the broad intentions of our behavioural contract. How can we use this medical crisis to our daughter’s benefit? Can she learn about the development of compassion at such an early age? Can she learn about how vulnerable we all are on this planet, and that still we can set aside our fears and pursue our challenges? Can she learn how obligations invite maturity, and how maturity can offer newfound and unexpected freedoms? Can we frame our short term, day to day requests and obligations within the context of these larger questions?
1. Our behaviour contract can iron out the day to day expectations of each member of the family. The first point would be to develop a short and a long range strategy to handle financial issues. (Is there enough money for an allowance? For school obligations such as bus fare, pizza lunches, music classes and entertainments? Will our daughter need to get a part/time job?)
2. Housekeeping is a flash point. We need to reassess the difference between our required and our desired levels of housekeeping. Our daughter is neither an indentured maid nor a sister of Cinderella. Let’s clarify our expectations and set about a schedule of completion. What needs to be done and how often? Can we shift around monies to hire a paid housekeeper once a week/ once a month?
3. We need to sort out the duration times expected of caretaker activities, housework and homework obligations, and entertainment time.
4. We need to learn how to revisit this family conference method a number of times. Do we need to invite as many participants as at the first one? Will we need an outside person to assist us with our negotiations at every meeting? Would it be to our advantage for one of us to learn communication tips?
Check the local library for books written by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D., to learn how to resolve disputes. Another approach we could take to improving our communication abilities would be to transform ourselves from the inside out. Read The Fourth Mindfulness Training: Deep Listening and Loving Speech in Appendix B and Guided Meditations For Looking Deeply and Releasing Anger in Appendix C of the Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh’s book, Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames.
Google
1. cnvc: Center for Nonviolent Communication
3. CIRPD.org, Canadian Institute for the Relief of Pain and Disability
Key into YouTube:
1. Thich Nhat Hanh
2. Nonviolent Communication Part 1 Marshall Rosenberg
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