Question 54. gifting step children

Dear 21st Century Dad, between my three children, I’m grandmother to five birth grandchildren. Due to divorce and repartnering, I’m about to become grandmother to three more stepchildren. Eight kids! It’s a wonder I can remember all the new names, let alone the old ones. If they’re all here at the same time, I feel like I’m running a daycare.

You can appreciate how difficult birthdays and holidays can be. I need a calendar just to keep all the dates straight, and with all the birthdays and holidays, and the grandchildren coming over to ask if I can chip in on movies and extra gas money and the special shoes they want to buy, money can be tight.

I’ve decided to set limits. The step grandchildren have their own set of grandparents. I shouldn’t be responsible for them. My daughter says I am mean and unfair.

Dear Name Challenged,

If there are financial limitations, we can suggest to our children an all or none gifting proposal. Every kid gets a present, but we may need some financial support from the parents of the children. If our budget is severely stressed by our new arrivals, and our children cannot afford to subsidize our gifting, we can switch from merchandize to baked goods. Every child loves icing, no matter the age. In twenty years, hot buttered love will be remembered far longer than the latest video game.
Unless we are allergic to children, let’s welcome the new additions. They bless our life with the opportunity to embrace new challenges. They may present us with a doublefold increase in our family happiness quotient. At the very least, the new name recollection should stimulate a few million of our brain synapses.

Our stepchildren have had a hard enough time with parental dispute and disappointment, and they have had no say in the matter. One day they’ve been a family, perhaps a dysfunctional one, and next they are separated from Mom and Dad, and sometimes from brother and sister. New blended families are tough on all members.

Grandmothers can be peacemakers. What an opportunity to step up to the plate! Now is our opportunity to disregard colour of skin, learn a new language, provide space for a different religious practice, offer a loving hug or an appreciative slap on a new shoulder and even provide some wisdom to a daughter who has little experience with the age and gender of a new step child.

Let’s review our limits. What do they really accomplish? Is our daughter’s resentment worth the decision to separate out the blood lines? Does the further entrenchment into isolation benefit either the grandchildren or us? Do we present a model of behaviour that will create love and harmony for our future families?
Do not all these questions melt before the warm smile of a new child at our dinner table?)

Google:

1. Support Urban Ecology
2. The EnviroLink Network - Green Legacies: A Donor's Guide for BC
3. BC Biodiversity - Slugs & Snails of BC
4. Grandmothers Campaign - Quick Group Listing