Dear 21st Century Dad, my 16 year old son has dropped out of regular school to attend an independent learning program. He wants to move out and get his own place with two of his friends. Both my husband and I left our families as sixteen year olds and we have done well, though each of us had to go back to school to get educated. He has a good part time job and the manager told me he is a good worker.
He has blown the welcome mat at our house. We have had it up to our necks with the basement smelling like beer farts and marijuana. He is fighting with his dad and we are thinking, why not let him leave? He is always welcome to come back, on our terms, and the fridge will be open when he wants to stop in. We just don’t have enough money to set up his share of a second household.
My only concern is that he has no concept of money management or independent living. He is operating under the belief that money always appears when he puts a card in the ATM. How do we teach him about writing cheques? Balancing the accounts? He spends so much money on fast food, I’m sure he won’t have enough money to buy groceries, let alone know how to cook them. How do I fast prep him for the real world?
Dear Set Free,
Let the boys have their fun.
First and last deposit on the rent?
Dirty undies and a double cheeseburger,
Land line and a hefty deposit, or a
Three year unreadable cell phone contract,
Bus fare and walking in the rain,
Kraft dinner, Kraft dinner, Kraft dinner,
Hair on the toilet,
Ring around the tub,
Wet towels,
No toilet paper,
Grease in the kitchen sink,
Plugged drains,
Wet paper plates,
Garbage pickup was yesterday?
Kraft dinner, Kraft dinner, Kraft dinner,
Kraft dinner, Kraft dinner, Kraft dinner,
Kraft dinner, Kraft dinner, Kraft dinner,
Alarm clocks,
It costs money to buy cheques?
This is a wonderful educational opportunity for our son to learn about the mechanics required for operating in a world devoid of what mommy and daddy’s house and home offer. We will put to rest all those biased parental expressions such as ‘I told you so,’ and ‘these are the consequences’ and ‘life is tough’ and actively support his early search for independence in any way we can help. Life can be a great teacher, and who knows, he may emerge from this first flight from the nest a more mature and appreciative son.
We can write up a behaviour contract that he will sign. The documentation will protect us if he goes to the Ministry of Children and Development and requests support because he is under 19, has no support, and “has been thrown out of the house”. The contract will clearly state the terms by which each party must comply. We do not need to bury this contract in legalese. Items could read like, “We agree to contribute $200 toward Bill’s rental and food costs per month. Bill is only allowed to come to the house by invitation.”
The behavioural contract must reflect the difference between supporting and promoting his independence, and rescuing him. Obligations must be clear on each other’s part. As an example, we can support him by giving him his financial help (if this has been negotiated) on time. And we want no surprises from which we have to rescue him. As an example, we can refuse to suffer his entreaties. “Mom, I had to spend my money on getting food. I just need $75 to cover the rent or I’ll get tossed and we’ll lose the lease.” Or, “Dad, you have to give me a ride to. If I miss this interview, I’m bound not to get the job.” Or, “We got robbed by this guy and all of us have had our ID stolen.” Or, “the moon just fell out of the sky, and…”
We can refer our son to the internet (around five cents a minute in most internet cafes) if he wishes to bone up on how to create a budget, or perhaps set aside ten per cent of his savings to purchase an on line game to learn about money management, play the market, or get good deals on real estate.
We can give him the equivalent of a Welcome Wagon package, clean clothes, laundry and dish detergent (yes, they are different!), cleaning fluids, a new tooth brush and toothpaste, a deodorant stick, a couple of weeks of precooked frozen soups and meals, and fifty bucks to load up on some Salvation army kitchen utensils, a chair and a mattress.
Keep an open line to our boy and enjoy the peace and quiet.
While we can.
Google:
1. Free Financial Advice, Tips & Calculators | Budget Worksheets ...or free budget sheets
2. TEENS WITH PROBLEMS: How to Write a Home Rules Contract
3. Family Contract
4. Geared to Youth -- For Parents
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