Dear 21st Century Dad, part of our family is in denial, part is in the active antagonist mode. I’m not sure what to do about it. My daughter celebrated her 15th year birthday party two weeks ago. Everything should have been golden. She organized the pizza delivery, the birthday card invitations, the treats, even the rides home for three of her friends whose parents couldn’t provide transportation home, and she decorated the cake. So what’s the problem? Her six guests were female and all of them wore matching t-shirts that said, “We’re here. We’re Queer. Get Used to It.” My daughter’s birthday celebration turned out to be a coming out declaration. My wife has buried her face in the bedroom. My 17 year old son refers with derision in his voice to his sister and every other problematic person in his life as being “so gay”. The commentary between my son and daughter is disgusting. I’ve no one to talk to. What can I do?
Dear Gendershocked,
It’s time to do some research before we start the conversation with ourselves. Let’s Google words such as queer, gay, dyke, intersex, lesbian, homo, transgendered, transvestite, bisexual, and the native Two Spirited. Let’s recognize that under all this gender naming are people we may have ignored or marginalized. Our daughter claims to belong to this minority. Canadian law protects gender minority human rights, and has extended their legal rights to same sex marriage, shared pensions, and parental matters.
Our family reflects the reality that many of us are sociologically ahead of what has been passed down as law by the Supreme Court of Canada, while some of us are behind, and prefer to keep it that way. We have a daughter and a sister to love, support and cherish.
Research indicates that homosexuals and lesbians accept their sexual orientation as early as age eleven, and many earlier. If we have not been awakened to signs of our daughter’s sexual orientation before her 15th year coming out celebration, she could be in an experimental stage. She doesn’t know if she is queer or not.
To her, an exploration might be like eating a different kind of food or listening to opera when she’s always had Avril Lavigne in her MP3. A stern opposition may kick her exploration over the line into determination. It’s time we discuss whether she is exploring her gender role or celebrating the confirmation of her gender identity. If she is queer, whatever you and your wife believe, there will be no changing her gender. Queer is queer!
If she is experimenting, ask for a conversation about sexuality with her. This might be a good time to bring in a professional counselor, youth advocate, mediator or therapist: one who is not fearful of gender issues, biased, and not alarmist. Our daughter has ‘come out’ into what she hopes is the most supportive environment other than her queer peers, her family. An expert on gender roles will help to normalize our family’s acceptance of her aspirations or gender identity.
Our son’s derisive name calling commentary borders on being abusive. The relationship he has had with his sister seems to be non cooperative, non supportive and unfriendly. Why wouldn’t he jump upon this opportunity to further deride and isolate her in the family? Include him in the round table discussion as well.
We cannot condone gender oppression in our family. We cannot condone racial, religious or ethnic oppression in our family, or in the wider world. Let’s embrace our new family’s identity. We may have many dear friends and relatives whom will have difficulty dealing with our transition. We can make clear to all, our family has chosen to view this recent development in our daughter’s life as an opportunity to learn and embrace those with unique identities. We can also be patient.
On this small planet of diverse beings, we need to do more than protect minority rights. We need to celebrate our diversity. Regardless of her gender preference, she will always be our daughter and a treasure upon whom we can shower our love and respect.
Google:
1. B.C. human rights coalition +2007
2. Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual Teens in B.C. Still Face Health ...
3. Queer British Columbia's Journal
Key into YouTube:
1. Out Of The Shadows - Transgender Children
2. Gay teen suicide
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